Making The Decision To Change
Have you ever wondered why you make the same ridiculous mistakes and get the same debilitating results? Do you constantly relive the same emotions, actions, and consequences? It’s called being human, but let me assure you; there is a way to make life changes that stick. I dare you to take the journey to self-improvement…
The Chronic Procrastinator
Meet Mattie, she is a 35-year-old woman on the threshold of a splendid day at the outdoor mall that all of her friends rave about. Her day is free, her wallet is full, and she’s ready to find the outfit of her dreams for the party of the century. The words “I’ll just know it when I see it” roll confidently around in a brain that refuses to believe otherwise. Of course, she has known about the party for two months but, as usual, has waited until the day before the event to prepare. Five hours and three blisters later, the chronic procrastinator sips a consolation latte wondering why she keeps making the same time-wasting mistake.
Self-Sabotage
In a depressive slouch, Mattie curses the stores for not having what she needs and decides the party isn’t so important after all. Like a magnet, the sale table at the gourmet kitchen store reels her in. With no self-control, she spends her entire outfit budget on a new spice rack, a sauté pan, and little, pink napkins for the ladies luncheon she will probably never host.
If only I was really just talking about a botched shopping trip. Chances are ladies; we have much more important things to discuss here. Explaining Mattie’s failures in planning, time management, and spending was merely a way to help you understand what I’m about to tell you.
Who Am I?
The fact is most of us don’t ever find exactly what we are looking for in any area of our lives (including at the mall) or do we do it in an efficient time frame. In order to be satisfied with the results of your search, you must know precisely what to look for and how to do it. Unfortunately, if you don’t know much about yourself than you will have a hard time with this. Time to dig a little deeper.
I’ve spent years searching for the right career, the right diet, the right way to raise kids, and on and on… The problem isn’t in the search necessarily, but it’s in our ability to accept who we are and how we tick. Failed attempts to find the satisfying elements in life are just symptoms of this all too common dilemma.
What Am I Doing Wrong?
The reason Mattie couldn’t find the perfect ensemble wasn’t because the stores had nothing to offer, it was because she lacked knowledge and a plan that would have vaulted her over into the shopping hall of fame. You would think that a mature woman of thirty-five would be able to pick out one stupid dress; after all, she should know what looks good; and in the case of life, she should have herself together. Well, maybe, but regrettably as some of us age, we don’t get better at doing the good things that get results. Instead, passing time seems to perfect habitual bad behavior and the selfish tendencies that we’ve had since our first birthday parties. The other thing, Mattie, and most of us, don’t know what we’re doing wrong. Either we have spent years in self-delusion or we are simply too afraid to make any real change.
Stop Trying To Be Something You’re Not
I really want you gals to get this, because I believe it will change your lives forever. If any of you have children then you will remember the toy puzzle that requires you to fit wood shapes into their corresponding holes; it remains one of my favorite life lesson tools. Did you ever watch a child upon his first attempt to solve the puzzle struggle endlessly trying to fit the square into the circle, or the diamond into a rectangle? Frustrating, huh? Eventually, the child might get it right, wait until they get older, or just abandon the source of annoyance all together. Ladies, we’re doing the same thing with our precious lives. YES, WE ARE!
All I’m saying is, stop trying to be a square when you’re a circle. Discover who you are, what you are meant to be, and fill the hole in which YOU fit. If that means foregoing a life in corporate America to stay at home with your babies, then DO IT! On the other hand, if it means that the bored housewife needs to go back to school and learn how to teach French, then DO IT! Time waits for no one to get it right.
Pay Attention To What Makes You Unique
One of the worst feelings in life is waking up one morning and realizing that years have disappeared while we have settled for aspects of our lives that don’t suit us. We are responsible for each minute that we are given on this planet. More attention needs to be paid to learning about what makes us the way we are and why we’re here.
You have to toughen up here. The discovery of self isn’t always easy and can come with a price. Digging into our emotional pasts, relationships, and, we’ll just say, the life resume that we’ve all put out there, requires a strong stomach for some. Regardless of the turmoil or embarrassment you might feel, I promise you will be glad you did it.
Cleaning Up The Past
You’re probably wondering how revisiting your past can help you get the life you’ve always wanted. Well, I’m not sure about all the psychological reasons, but I can say; you can’t build a strong life without a good foundation. Our foundations are our beginnings, and if they are cracked in any way, the whole structure is bound to tumble down. We can’t keep trying to rebuild without researching the cause of any malfunction whether it be minor or devastating.
Confronting The Issues
I grew up in a home with an alcoholic mother who tried to raise two children alone. Presently, I won’t say that my life was the worst, but let me assure you, there was a time when I thought the earth should rather cease to exist then let me live one more day in that environment. I constantly used my dysfunctional upbringing as an excuse to act less than appropriate in many situations. My anger levels soared, my relationships failed, and I just couldn’t finish a damn thing I started. Why?
The answer to that question was there all along; I just didn’t know how to find it. Remember Mattie’s elusive outfit? Instead of denying my pain and issues, I had to confront them. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t as easy as it sounds; it certainly wasn’t something that happened overnight. I’m still dealing with certain facets of my childhood even today. The important thing is not how long it takes you to find yourself in all that mess, but it’s making the effort to start.
Journaling Your Feelings And Thoughts
Start thinking about how you felt as a child, how you interacted with your parents and others around you. Ask yourself some questions about emotionally extreme times that you can remember. The good and bad are both important for this exercise. (If this exercise is too painful right now, skip it until you are ready. Also, if you are undergoing treatment for any emotional/mental condition, please consult your doctor before diving into difficult past memories.)
Write down what you can recall about the most significant times of your life growing up. This neither is a time to be shy, nor is it the time to worry about writing content. Be free with your journaling. It’s off limits to everyone else; remember that. Try to recall how each event affected you. I want you to see patterns in your life, destructive and positive. Write down your findings so you don’t miss something important. LIFEWRITES: 10 Approaches to Journaling
RECAP
- REALIZE YOU NEED TO MAKE SOME CHANGES
- DISCOVER WHO YOU ARE (THIS MAY TAKE SOME TIME)
- STOP BEING SOMEONE YOU ARE NOT
- REVISIT YOUR PAST (GOOD AND BAD)
- CONFRONT THE ISSUES WHEN YOU’RE READY
- SEEK HELP IF YOU NEED IT
I leave you with this nugget to chew on, at least long enough to discover what flavor it is. Part II of “Journey to Self-Improvement” will inject a bit more industrial strength guidance. I need to tell you how it is and not sugar coat any of the details. Until then, be well and make someone smile today.
The road to self-improvement is a multi-lane highway for me… as a military spouse, and on active duty myself, I am constantly struggling to improve my life at work and at home. The Navy demands improvement, there is no room for today’s military for stagnant sailors who come to the ship, sit around and collect a paycheck. Sometimes moving forward in a man-dominated career is challenging, because people have a tendency to say, “Well, she’s always gets the best evaluations, the best jobs, she MUST be sleeping with .” Therefore, you have to be that much stronger to keep fighting the system to attain the goals you set out for yourself.
As for being a spouse of another military member, there are certain expectations that have to be met. Any full-time career woman can share my views, and even the stay-at-home moms know too… you do your job all day, tired and exhausted, all you want to do is relax, but there’s still that laundry to be folded, dinner still has to be made, kids bathed… and so on and so forth. So you ask yourself, “When do you have time to improve yourself and your situation when every minute of your day is spent doting on other people?” The key here is to MAKE TIME. I see too many women using everything required of them an excuse, including myself. The only way change is going to come about, is if you do something about it.
Kori,
Life is so full for women of every age in our society. Because of our laundry lists of responsibilities, we have to make every effort to take care of ourselves. If we don’t…we lose the very essence of who we are. Taking one day at a time is the best way to effect change in any area. You really have to make appointments with yourself to exercise, enjoy friends, go shopping, or anything that requires your time and energy. I definately don’t believe that you must schedule everything to be successful. Leave some of it to chance. Thanks, be well.
For many years I sought to please everybody in my life. I wanted to be liked and loved by my pastor, church friends and other friends.
In doing so, I had no true identity.
As I grew older, experienced time away from church and lost the “friends” I had, I found my identity and, finally, peace of heart.
Lesson learned: it’s o.k. to please others but not at the expense of losing yourself.
“Love your neighbor as yourself”.
I agree 100%! It is a journey that takes a lifetime…
This is a great article. I love that you start out talking about what some would consider an insignificant circumstance but it’s really about our priorities, what we do with our time, and deeper issues. And truth be known almost every woman has had the experience of putting off finding the right dress and wound up not going or wearing something they disliked.
What I have come to realize, and you are touching on here is that there are reasons why we delay doing something that should be easy. How does Mattie feel about her body? Is it the thought of looking in the mirrors that causes her to put off shopping? Or is it that she doesn’t feel safe in public? Or that large buildings make her feel anxious? hmmm I’d really like to do a tapping session with Mattie and help her get over this problem:)
As you have stated we often don’t know that ourselves. I spent nearly forty years with a phobia of writing and didn’t even know I had it. I knew I didn’t like to write and didn’t believe I was a good writer. In truth I did know how to write and once the phobia was dealt with went on to write a book over 400 pages long. Does that mean I’m on the best-seller list? Not necessarily. What it does mean is that I am now able to write without concern that I will be rejected by the people I love and care about. And if they do reject me because of what I write… I’m okay with that too.
Here’s to knowing ourselves. It’s a first step on a convoluted, fun, sometimes scary, exhilarating and rewarding journey.
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