How to Forgive Others
Okay, we’ve dared to look at your childhood extremes and inventoried your time. I know they may seem unrelated, but I assure you, it will all fit together like a puzzle when we are finished. I hope that you have been journaling the past few days as this is such a crucial part of the discovery process. If you find yourself going back to something often, then that time period or issue is likely something that you need to explore further. Really, focus on the emotion you feel when you write. Are you angry, or sad? Do you want to blame others for the wrong things in you life? This brings me to the topic for today…unforgiveness.
Unforgiveness: A Major Problem
Being blunt, unforgiveness is one of the MAJOR causes of dysfunction in our lives. The sad thing is; most people don’t even realize that they are holding grudges, judging, and downright hating other people. These negative fixations could very well stem from events that happened decades ago. That’s a lot of time to hold on to something that really only hurts you. Someone has hurt us all, at some point, so let’s get real here. YOU NEED TO HEAR THIS!!!
Remembering Past Offenses
Remember the little exercise you did on the first day? What did you discover about your childhood emotions? Did you write about a particular event that hurt you, that disappointed you, that devastated you? Chances are, someone else was involved in that scene you detailed in your journal. Think about that person. Have you released them from the anger that you feel? Have you released yourself from the pain? I know that these questions may not make any sense to you, especially if you didn’t even realize that you had a problem. Don’t worry about understanding right now. Just believe that revisiting these things will help you to let go of negative emotions if you allow yourself to.
The Pay Off
The first thing, forgiving others is a conscious choice. It’s not something that just happens because you’re a nice or spiritual person. Whenever you’re dealing with choice, you have to know that’s what you want to do before you do it. People do things, including forgiving, because they get something out of it. This also means if you choose not to forgive someone, then you are likely getting, or think you’re getting something out of it as well.
How does unforgiveness affect me? Good question. It really has everything to do with emotional patterns and a dialog that keeps looping in your head every time you encounter a certain situation. It could be your controlling mother or your untrustworthy husband who triggers an automatic response from you. The mechanisms that control your feelings and actions are ones that have been programmed to allow for maximum benefit to you in every situation. As I said in the previous paragraph, we do things and act certain ways because there is a pay off for us. If you have lasting wounds and issues from your past, you likely are reacting to current situations in a way that will protect you from feeling an old pain. Are you following me?
Holding on to Past Hurts
Let’s say your parents divorced when you were a child. A part of you blames them for destroying your family and the security that you felt. Suddenly, you are left with angry, unresolved feelings toward them. As a child, you don’t know how to deal with these emotions. You simply want them to go away. Well, they won’t just magically “go away” until they are dealt with. Unfortunately, that doesn’t usually happen until one reaches a mature age, if even then. So here you are, an adult woman who has possibly been in many bad relationships and wonder why. In this case, your mother and father were the first example of a love relationship. With that foundational coupling in disarray, you likely have problems relating in love relationships presently. The extent of your problem depends on how seriously you were hurt and how much of that pain has followed you into adulthood.
Forgiving Doesn’t Mean All the Pain Will Stop
Can you begin to see how unforgiveness hurts you? Let me add this disclaimer here, just because you forgive someone, doesn’t necessarily mean that you will stop having negative thoughts and feelings, and it certainly doesn’t mean that you will stop hurting all together. You need to reread that statement until you get it. I don’t want you to get tripped up on your own human nature. We are not perfect in case you didn’t know that. I have a laundry list of people I have forgiven, but I still deal with negative thoughts and regrets when I least expect. Just make sure that the bad doesn’t outweigh the good in you’re mind; otherwise, you have to wonder if you really did forgive them.
Speak it Out
The unfortunate example of a broken home is just one of many that we could detail, but I think you get the point. Whatever your event, revisiting it may make you feel like crying or throwing something. This is the time to let it out (safely and healthfully, please! Don’t take it out on the dog.) Speak out or journal what you want to say to that person even if they aren’t really in front of you. If you are ready, verbally say the words, “I forgive you… for…” Fill in the blanks with their name and the details of the event. If you are a spiritual person, ask God to help you forgive the people that have hurt you. He will answer this prayer. No matter what the circumstances or who the person is, you need to move toward releasing the pain and allow yourself to start fresh. You deserve the chance to be the best you. Not to mention, you will liberate new positive energy into the relationships you have now.
Forgive Yourself
This reminds me, forgiving yourself for some things is a monumental task as well. Because we can be so hard on ourselves, letting go of some personal mistakes will make a world of difference on your journey. And remember, this works both ways. As others have hurt you, you have no doubtedly hurt others. Take some time to recall times when you were the one doing wrong. If you are ready, and if it’s possible, go to those people and ask them to forgive you. Rid yourself of this burden if you want to move into the life you want.
If You Need Help, Ask for it
This subject is so serious that you should seek help if you feel you are not making any progress. I am available to answer specific questions about forgiveness, so please don’t hesitate to contact me. Also, I know of some helpful therapies and materials that will move things along quickly. Please don’t underestimate the power this exercise will bring to your life. This step is huge! Linger here for as long as it takes you to feel free from past burdens. I will be honest with you; it could take days, weeks, and even months to see the benefits from your efforts. Don’t get discouraged; you’re on the right track. I will leave you with this incredible cornerstone of the puzzle. Just know, when you accomplish it, you will know it. Choose to make forgiveness an everyday part of your life journey, and you will naturally be a more fulfilled woman. Make yourself smile today…forgive someone.
