More Out of Monday with Madeline♥
I’m Madeline – a healthfully humorous, radically ridiculous, momentarily messy broad here to give you a flicker of joy on the (in most cases) most indignant day of the week.
Photo by Gothicjade (the greatest edgy photographer on the web…thanks)
Monday is like…
…sitting through an important meeting knowing that your feminine hygiene product has just reached maximum capacity. You’re afraid to move, as the situation might get worse.
***Warning: This post contains graphic description of the woman’s menstrual cycle. Men and the faint-hearted might want to abstain from reading any further. It’s really not that bad, but I thought I should say something anyway.
Speaking of that time of the month, how’s that workin’ for you? Anymore, mine has been like a vicious flood of unbridled blood flow. Comes with the forty-something season, my doc tells me. I feel like I’ve had to reinvent my strategy for these despised, roughly 75, days of the year. Really, it’s like a sick joke played out by the powers that be. I imagine the conversation went something like this:
“Since she’s experienced with the whole menses thing, let’s see how much she can handle!”
“I agree. She’s a trooper.”
“After all, she’s been through a lot more blood than this; there’s childbirth and that time she cut her hand real badly while doing the dishes. Going through a tampon and pad an hour…piece of cake for her!”
“Oh, let’s throw in some blood clots this time. Our champ will surely shine through even that! In fact, I’m willing to wager on that…say, a century’s salary.”
“You’re on!”
I never thought I’d be excited about getting to menopause.
Well, at least there is one consolation, the periods are shorter. Three to five days instead of the seven to eight that I experienced my whole life. It’s so much better…if you believe that, just wait till you reach the purgatory of female existence (39-50 something). I think I need to go see Dr. Lamse for some hormone counseling. I’m not sure what can be done, but I’m willing to try anything at this point. My husband is willing to pay me to get some help with the emotional outbursts that happen once a month. I say: “If I get some help, you have to get some, too!”
Anyway, in case you’re wondering if you’ve reached a point with your monthly cycle that you need some loving guidance (or a good kick in the ass), check out my top 5 clues…and please see your doctor if you think something may be wrong in that area.
1. Your sweet ten-year-old offspring kindly asks you for a snack, and you reply: Oh, wait…I forgot to tell you that you’re doubled over, holding your vagina in attempt to make it to the bathroom before you bleed all over the ever-so-slightly off white carpet that you picked out after you escaped from the mental hospital.
”Kid, get your own *(blogging) snack; eat the *(blogging) cat; can’t you see that I’m having a *(blogging) emergency here!”
2. You can’t buy your usual 2 lattes that weekbecause you’ve helped build the net worth of either Stayfree®, Kotex®,Tampax®, or OB®, and, of course, the toilet paper company of your choice.
3. Crimson red used to be your favorite color.
4. You find yourself exchanging your favorite daydream of a tropical vacation in Hawaii for one that entails being rolled into the operating room for a radical hysterectomy.
5. Your idea of romance isyour significant other coming home with Midol® without being asked.
Well, Ladies, that’s my jibber-jabber for this week. Excuse me now; I have to go tend to the extreme female experience.
Love,
Madeline♥
*The blog version of radio edit. You can insert whatever words are fitting for your vocabulary and moral standards.
You rock, Madeline! What would I do without you…