Oceans And Raindrops: The Colors Of Grief

There is never a better time to capture the essence of grief than when you stand in the middle of it. In addition to brutal ocean waves slamming all around, raindrops of varying colors hit my forehead every hour. This makes the experience of losing my best friend to “C” a continual event. The three losses of family and close friends to this dreaded disease feel like being kicked hard in the stomach by an MMA champ. Did I mention he’s simultaneously spitting slimy phlegm wads in my face.

I am looking for words that make sense, like a third grader who struggles to produce logical sentences. But there is nothing logical about a beautiful soul leaving this planet way too soon. The only part of this loss I understand is that my JOY died with my enchanting friend. I don’t see myself getting through the tangled mess of her absence anytime in the near future, either.

Grief Has a Mind of It’s Own

Grief shows up when it damn well pleases and with varying intensity. You never know when the ocean’s waves will crash into your body, mind, and spirit—when they will change your life forever. The additional reality is that grief visits for more than a loved one’s death. It can appear for just about any reason— the loss of something we love or care about.

Truthfully, there is a low-key vibration of grief playing continually in the background of our lives. Things like losing a job, a loved one’s compassion and empathy, a beloved house, car, or childhood toy can become painful challenges that we unknowingly carry with us daily. The question is: have those raindrops been processed effectively? If not, you’re in danger of facing your biggest enemy…as I discovered.

The ocean’s waves hit hard and fast when Joy passed, but realizing how many other trials I pressed down, my heart felt like a piece of raw meat mixing with broken glass on the ground. I guess if you get anything from this article, it’s that you are not alone in your grief…no matter what caused it or how devastating it is.

The Cleansing

The only consolation is that I believe those huge waves might cleanse my aching heart or bring attention to those raindrops I ignored in the past. The sheer amount of sadness, trauma, and grief I’ve experienced boggles my mind—one minute, I want to be strong and courageous— the next, I want to bury myself in a hole so deep that I can’t be found. Fortunately, writing brings me a sense of my humanity when nothing else comes close, as Joy knew.

Being Still

I’m trying to be still to let life be, but I’ve struggled with the theory of “doing nothing.” It’s more like a constant reminder that I’m standing in the center of shit creek without a paddle or support. I’m numb but feel every sharp edge of glass cutting my flesh. It’s a bloody hell experience with God’s mercy, I might survive. With this vulnerable piece of writing, I hope to connect with others who feel lost— the abyss is deep. Baby steps…