The Hard Stuff
My friends, sorry for the lapse between posts. I’ve been a little preoccupied by some personal medical stuff. My neurologist is playing racket ball with an MS diagnosis. Needless to say, I’m a little freaked out. As if chronic migraine wasn’t enough to deal with…right? I will keep you posted as I get more information.
I now have new empathy for those of you who suffer from multiple illnesses simultaneously. I guess I never thought it would happen to me…at least not until I was much older. I’m not going to tell you that I’m strong or some amazing person who can withstand all of this without emotional trauma, because I would be lying if I did. Life is not fun right now, and I feel like I’m losing my mind at least ten times a day. On the bright side, I’m getting qualified to get Botox injections for the chronic migraine. And we all know what the fringe benefit of that will be…goodbye forehead wrinkles and frown lines! In the meantime, I continue my natural remedies as I can….unfortunately, they don’t seem to make much of a difference.
Creativity is still flowing. I have been working on plans to open a small booth at an antique mall in June. It has kept me distracted from everything else that I really don’t want to think about. The problem I’m having is that I want to keep all the really good vintage items for myself! I will do an official post about all of that later. For now, I’m just happily wallowing in my collection of finds. I will try to post more often again as I have the energy.
Be Beautiful-Be Creative-Be Happy!
Though you may not be a regular JS viewer, you likely know what goes on in just one episode. Guests are outspoken, immodest, and ooze drama like your sister-in-law’s cousin thrice removed, who has been in the women’s penitentiary for a year. I’ve found myself watching these ladies with adept curiosity. I wonder why are they so happy about sharing their faults and, well…disgusting habits on an international stage. It must be money, I think to myself. But, really? Would you do that for cash? I wouldn’t. And, that’s precisely why they are stealing from us.
They are women of a strength that so many of us don’t have. They are happy in their own skin, where we are fearful and prideful that even our own mothers will find out our flaws. This kind of fear paralyzes and keeps us from receiving abundance from the universe. We are not meant to be perfect or flawless or unwilling to share who we really are with the world. We are supposed to embrace who we are. I’m not saying you have to share every detail of yourselves with the six-o’clock news, but I know you can do better…I can do better.
Just one experience, especially a hard one, a disgusting one, a dramatic encounter we tend to hide, can change someones life. It would let her know that she is not alone. She might find refuge and an unexpected solution to her problem from your story. At the very least, she will learn to appreciate the calm, uneventful life she lives.
I Was A Bad Girl
I’m going to start right here, right now, by sharing something about myself that isn’t very beautiful, creative, or happy. When I was a teenager, I was a chronic shoplifter. I couldn’t stop myself. I stole everything from makeup to clothing. The fact is: I should have been put in the juvenile detention center, but instead, I never got caught. However, one of my friends did. She got arrested, drug away in a squad car, and processed into the community of kiddie-criminals. I was terrified. Fortunately, I learned my lesson from watching her go through what was rightfully my lot in life. Shoplifting became a distant friend of my past. Though this story isn’t Jerry Springer worthy, it is a part of who I was, who I am today. And it is an account that I’ve shared with teens to make a point of how this behavior leads to worse things.
For example:
During that time frame when I shoved lipsticks in my pockets, a friend of a friend asked me to join him and several others in a break in of a hardware store. I knew it was wrong, but I was thrilled about the adventure aspect of it and the mere thought of getting away with something bigger. So, I agreed and followed the pack to the store. Whereas the petty thievery was misdemeanor activity, this would be a felony if I got caught. Thank heavens, I didn’t. The fear I felt while wandering around that dark hardware store in the middle of the night was enough to thwart any further criminal behavior. It could have been bad, though. Now, I won’t steal anything. Not even a magazine accidentally left in the cart at the grocery. Rehabilitated by my own fear and the tragic incarceration of a friend.
Now, it’s your turn…
Fess up, ladies…
Someone needs to read what happened to you…
Be Beautiful-Be Creative-Be Happy…by being all of who you are!
Photo Credit: Longing, by Samblake
When I started this blog three years ago, I had a vision. I saw a place where I could speak openly about the events, traumas, joys, and successes that women live every day. And though the collection of articles has grown…and grown over the years to become a versatile information pool for the women of the world, something is still missing.
Recently, I’ve really felt somewhat disheartened by the fact that we haven’t reached the masses as originally hoped. I know getting attention on the web is not as easy as some would like you to think; therefore, I’m not exactly beating myself up over the limited traffic we’ve seen. On the contrary, I’m overjoyed by those connections.
But…
I’d like to see more women reached and the content on Women’s Life Link be deeper and more life-changing. By that I mean I want to talk about the hard stuff! The gritty topics that most don’t want to share. The stuff that makes you open up a link when you read the title because it’s exactly what you need to hear, what’s really affected you that day or week! You know what I’m talking about. You see, I realized that the REAL stuff women need may not be as accessible as it should be. Why? Because it’s personal, even embarrassing to discuss with friends, let alone strangers on the web. Well, I’m tired of being afraid to share what’s really on my heart. The “Hard Stuff” needs to be available! Women’s Life Link will begin a new regular column called “The Hard Stuff” that will not hold back on life’s toughest topics. It will be controversial, personal, and full of the grit others won’t talk about. Don’t forget to let a friend know about our upcoming changes! Here’s a little sneak peak of what you’ll see at the new Women’s LifeLink.
The Hard Stuff Preview:
- When Pride Takes Over
- When Organized Religion Destroys
- When Your Marriage Falls Apart
- When You’re Dying Inside
- When You’re Afraid to Get Old
- When You Want More In the Bedroom
- When You’re Kids Are Hurt By Something You Did
- When You’re Broke…I Mean REALLY Broke
- And much, much more…
I need to know what you think about this.
What “hard stuff” do you want to read about?
What things do you have trouble finding on the bookstore shelf or on the net?
How can Women’s Life Link really help you?
Be Beautiful-Be Creative-Be Happy!
Be a world-changer!
Click Below to learn how.
Take the One Woman-One Link Pledge Today!
Today, I want to bring you a special article by a Women’s Life Link friend, Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil. Dr. Bonnie is considered one of the top relationship experts in the world. Her list of accomplishments include authoring six books, speaking, coaching, and mentoring countless couples to achieve happy, fulfilling relationships. For more information about Dr. Bonnie, see the link at the end of the article.
Be Beautiful-Be Creative-Be Happy!
Spouse or Stranger?
By Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
Did you know that spouses sometimes communicate no better than strangers? According to Science Daily, a professor of psychology at Williams College put together an experiment where two sets of couples sat in chairs with their backs to each other and tried to discern the meaning of each other’s ambiguous phrases. “The spouses consistently overestimated their ability to communicate, and did so more with their partners than with strangers.”
Most people in any sort of relationship know, whether it’s a friendship, dating relationship, marriage, or long-term partnership, it takes good communication to make things work and flow relatively smoothly! So to consider that we might get our point across just as well to someone we don’t know at all, versus someone who knows us intimately, is a bit disturbing. What makes the study striking says the professor who conducted it, is that the spouse who was communicating was more confident that they would be understood by their partner than by the stranger, but in reality often weren’t.
When I help couples communicate – whether in every day situation or in challenging disagreements and more painful parts of life – I encourage them to use what I call Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue, and talk about in my book, Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples.
When I instruct couples to use Smart Heart Dialogue, it’s as a way to move beyond the anger and blame that typically is placed when an argument or disagreement comes to a stalemate, but it can and should be used in day-to-day communication as a way to practice truly listening to your partner, and as a way to provide a safe place for each person to share what’s on their mind.
Additionally, utilizing this type of dialogue is important in learning to fight fair as a couple. Fighting and disagreeing are not bad things, in themselves. Learn how to fight fair. It’s a misconception that fighting is bad; a relationship without passion enough to launch arguments likely won’t last for the long haul. However, arguing in the wrong way can also drive a relationship into the ground. I encourage having a weekly ten minute “Smart heart”-to-heart with a figurative emotional “bullet proof vest” to protect from hurt, anger and defensiveness, as you listen and echo back what you heard.
This type of discussion can open up the doors to putting the emotionality of a certain topic aside – whether it be finances, life decisions, career changes, fidelity, or a host of other things – and allow the couple to be honest with each other in a safe, loving space. Of course, this doesn’t mean that each person has a right to be angry and hurtful – quite the opposite. This exercise is designed to take the heated emotion out of a discussion so that the couple can share their feelings without a threat of emotion or anger getting thrown in the mix.
And hopefully by consciously focusing on a type of communication that leads to closeness as a couple, we’ll have MUCH more in common with our partners than with strangers!
You can learn more about Dr. Bonnie and the services she provides to clients on her website, Doctorbonnie.com.
IntrospectiveSunday
Don’t Take “No” for an Answer
Do you go through emotional cycles that take you from elation to the depths of despair in short periods of time? Do you wonder why you can’t seem to keep things even-keeled and running smoothly? Do you wish you weren’t constantly moved by your circumstances whether good or bad?
Well, I can say that I’ve experienced all of the above…even some recently.
Most of this way of thinking comes from the core beliefs we have about ourselves, our place in the world, and our relationship to others. What we see and think we know about who we are can provoke the scariest roller coaster ride ever! One that getting off of is not easy…but doable with some practice.
Have you ever been to a professional, like a doctor or lawyer and asked for advice? I’m sure you have. When we seek out others for answers, we usually accept what we get as the “truth” or at least reasonable and worthy of our time and money. Right? We don’t waste any time picking up that prescription or getting that test done. We act immediately on what we “believe” is in our best interest.
But for some reason when it comes to trusting ourselves, our intuitions and self-knowing, we cringe or find every way to avoid what we hear, what we know, what we should be acting upon. Well, maybe not all the time but definitely enough that it keeps us from reaching most of our goals and dreams. One thing I realized about myself was that I tend to say “no” to myself by avoiding the important steps. The “no” is expressed in many different ways; it can be procrastination, avoidance, self-sabotage, anger, illness, depression, and my favorite: excuses!
Sound familiar to anyone?
That’s what I thought.
“Believe in love. Believe in magic. Hell, believe in Santa Clause. Believe in others. Believe in yourself. Believe in your dreams. If you don’t, who will?” ˜Bon Jovi
So now the only thing to do is stop saying “no” to yourself and start saying YES! This is pure grit; it’s the nose-to-the-grindstone event that changes everything about your life; it’s the decision to make something different happen; it’s you and me being who we are supposed to be…
I do this exercise to reinforce my “YES”:
Visualize yourself opening all kinds of doors, each one leading to a different place or opportunity. See and hear yourself gleaning from these places; feel yourself enjoying the benefits of your opportunities. Most importantly, know that you have the right to say “YES” to any of them or all of them! This is the key to changing those ugly core beliefs. We all have places to go and people to meet; we have purpose and gifts that need to be utilized. There’s only one way to do that: walk through those doors and just say yes…
Be Beautiful-Be Creative-Be Happy!
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Do people tell you all the time that you are confident? Does being the center of attention get you revved up for your day or week? And one last question: Do you know the difference between being confident in yourself and being vain? I’m not here to answer those questions; that you have to do all on your own. Sorry. What I am going to tell you is my perspective on the topic and how your understanding of yourself can catapult you to new heights in your life.
Confidence: assurance: freedom from doubt; belief in yourself and your abilities
Since I can remember, I have been a confident girl/woman. Now let me tell you exactly what that means, at least to me. It means that I don’t freak out when asked to speak in front of people; I don’t mind walking into a crowded room; I’m not afraid to try new things (most of the time); and it doesn’t take much persuasion for me to talk about myself to others.
Now, let me tell you about a time when I crossed the line into the world of vanity. It went something like this: I would not leave the house unless I had on full make-up, hair done, every article of clothing in place, and I knew I looked good. Nothing wrong with looking good, but it was a little extreme when it caused me to be late, miss out on opportunities, and even hinder relationships. I also would not shut up long enough to let anyone else talk. I couldn’t because it was all about me. I now know how much I missed by not listening to others.
Vanity: extreme love of self : feelings of excessive pride
The line (the really thin one) is almost invisible to those of us who are confident. We even use the “I’m a confident woman” as an excuse for our behavior. When every thought, action, and plan we have becomes about ourselves, it’s time to take an inventory. I did. Vanity is something that can capture you, wrap you up, and render you as helpless as being without confidence. It repels people and opportunities.
What is Confidence, Really?
Confidence is not a trait that many are just born with. Though some seem to possess it from a very young age…the preschooler who always starts the games and activities; the first-grader who always raises her hand; the middle school girl who tries out for the cheer team “just because” and actually makes it. You know those types, don’t you? Usually confidence is gained over a period of time by being yourself and having positive results come from your thoughts and actions. Others notice you for being genuinely caring and interested in them and the world around you. Confidence. Then you have the ones who fly quickly past confidence and go straight to vanity. Here’s some insight into how they might act:
What is Vanity, Really?
The vain woman is a delicate creature who needs to have praise, attention, and be as perfect as possible at all times. They think that everything and everyone around them is focused on them; therefore, they have to obtain perfection. The funny thing is that though perfection is the goal, the woman may be clueless to what is expected or even wanted by those around her. For example: a businesswoman- a vain one- gets a new position at a prestigious company. She is determined to show off her goods in beauty and in talent. Barely passing the office door, she is already flirting with the men, making the women uncomfortable, and assuming that the boss is putting all of his or her eggs in her basket. She has inadvertently shot herself in the foot with her inappropriate behavior.
Everything is Not About You…or Me
Time to get a clue, ladies and gentlemen (I know you men read WLL, too). You know who you are. At this point in our existence and the crucial time in our history, we need to start thinking about the greater good of mankind as opposed to “what can I get out of this?”. Don’t get me wrong; I’m all for give and take and getting something in exchange for your hard work. But here’s the thing: keep in mind that there are 6 billion other people on the planet who are just as valuable as you are. Furthermore, they are not all alive to serve you, to love you, to praise you, or to even look at you for that matter. So, start thinking about your actions and thoughts in terms of how you can bring a little more focus on others and get it off of yourself. Vanity is nothing more than a tool of self-destruction.
For the sake of creating a short book on the issues of vanity, I will end this post here. However, if this is a topic that you’d like to hear more about, leave a comment or feel free to email me directly at womenslifelink@gmail.com.
Be Beautiful-Be Creative-Be Happy!
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The Courage To Be Me…The Courage To Be You
Just to let you know, I’ve lacked in the inspiration department lately…as if you couldn’t tell. I realized that it’s not that I don’t have anything to write about, but it’s that I have too much to write about. Am I making any sense at all? If not, click out, do your search, and go visit one of those “other” blogs. I’m really done with worrying about what my readers think about my every word. Don’t get me wrong; I love you, but the stress is not worth it. I am who I am. Love me. Hate me. It’s all a part of the Journey…
I’ve come just far enough through a break up with my husband of almost nineteen years to learn and understand some things. Dare I share them with you? YES! They might help someone out there…
1. Fear (not people) is controlling and always gets in the way of your dreams and goals.
2. Be good to yourself. If you don’t, know one else will.
3. Be careful around addicting substances and people. Hook, line, and sinker…that’s all I have to say about that.
4. Don’t put yourself in emotionally charged situations; such as, weddings, funerals, graduations, baby showers.
5. If you feel yourself sabotaging your health, wellness, dreams, get accountable…damn quick!
6. Drink lots of water…I always say that!
7. Don’t make important decisions when emotionally compromised ( it’s OK to choose salad dressing and stuff like that).
8. Believe in your ability to make it through anything…no matter what!
9. Accept responsibility for YOUR actions. That means there may be consequences, too.
10. You can never take words back…
I hope that you find everything you want out of life, that your journey is adventurous, and you make effort everyday to get closer to your authentic self. Add your best break up tip if you dare…
Be Beautiful-Be Creative-Be Happy!
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What Is Your State of Mind…Really?
IntrospectiveSunday
Well, I couldn’t think of a more appropriate day to come back to my regular posting than the one where I “Introspect”. It’s been an interesting couple of weeks moving into a small two bedroom apartment with my youngest daughter. This transition from being married and living with five other people to it being just the two of us is revealing. Let me explain.
Ever since I can remember, I have sought out other people, friends, family with which to spend the majority of my time. Though my tendency to do this has not changed, it’s the opportunity to “always have people around” that has. You get used to having other bodies present, hearing voices other than your own, getting irritated by the quirkiness of other humans. The time alone, or semi-alone, is just a different kind of animal for me. A part of me cries; a part of me rejoices, and I’m OK with that. It’s good to even say that, knowing that there was a time when I had to separate each event into two categories: Good and Bad. Well, this is neither good nor bad; it just is what it is.
My introspection is this: What are the reasons I find being around others all the time appealing? What are the challenges? How can I find more energy and fulfillment being by myself?
If you have the opposite challenge of feeling overwhelmed when with others and find it difficult to be around groups of people, ask yourself these questions: What are the reasons I find being alone so appealing? What are the challenges? How can I find more energy and fulfillment being with people?
My Discoveries
♦ I don’t like being alone because there is no one to listen to my ideas.
♦ I receive energy from the presence of others.
♦ I like to look at people and listen to their voices, hearing what they have to say.
♦ My personality type is one that receives energy from regular touch and interaction with people .
The Challenges
♦ I don’t get quality time to do this introspection thing…LOL
♦ I ignore my own needs.
♦ Missing too many important points of self-improvement due to constant interaction with others.
♦ I can’t listen to the music I want to or sing without getting an emphatic “Shut up!”
Finding Balance
♦ I can practice being alone by doing things that I love like visiting a museum or garden park.
♦ Schedule time with friends and family so I have events to look forward to.
♦ Continue to introspect during times of solitude (that sounds so much better than saying “being alone”).
♦ Allow myself to feel the emotions without judgement.
If you feel inclined to do so, please join me in today’s self-awareness exercise and share your discoveries!
Be Beautiful-Be Creative-Be Happy!
IntrospectiveSunday
Facing adversity is a part of life…sorry, that was sort of a DUH statement. It is in times of trial that we really see what we’re made of. All of the bugs come out of the woodwork so to speak. And some of them can be big and ugly. I want you to think about how you handle hard events and emotional trial. When the Cortisol starts flying, do you run for the hills or do you stay put; do you turn into Medusa or are you calm, collected, and gentle?
“Sooner or later we all discover that the important moments in life are not the advertised ones, not the birthdays, the graduations, the weddings, not the great goals achieved. The real milestones are less prepossessing. They come to the door of memory unannounced, stray dogs that amble in, sniff around a bit and simply never leave. Our lives are measured by these” ˜Susan B. Anthony
Though all of these emotional reactions are perfectly normal, humanity as it should be, they aren’t all becoming of us. I’ve been challenged with numerous life events that have literally knocked me on my ass and taken a good part of my composure. Yes, even life coaches go down. We are all vulnerable to the storms of life, but it’s how we react to them that sets the stage for what’s next. Coming to emotional milestones on your journey is something you should want; without meeting them and pushing on through them, we would stagnate and ultimately fail at reaching our potential.
Initially, it can be difficult to get your bearings; the reason for most poor choices and distress. The panic mode that we all feel sets in. I have found that owning these heightened emotions is the best way to overcome the pattern of making erratic choices and setting yourself up for failure. It’s OK to feel hurt, angry, confused, or any of many negative emotions. However, it’s crucial that you find a way to turn your experiences into positive springboards, to find a forward-motion that keeps you on track to grow and make changes for the better.
Remember that nobody is perfect; nobody plays fair 100% of the time; nobody is going to go through life without being hit with challenging situations. Take a moment to clarify your emotions right now. Recognize the negative as an important part of who you are. Then put it into a place where it can’t destroy your dreams and goals. What are these feelings trying to tell you? Where do you need to go from here? Introspection.
Be Beautiful-Be Creative-Be Happy!
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Stop Pretending To Heal Your Life
IntrospectiveSunday
I was reminded today about how lucky I was that my two oldest children (now adults) were not high-strung, rebellious, down-right nasty, or any of those negative personas that make any woman reconsider her motherly throne. But that was like a million years ago. The “others”, I say, and hate to separate them, are testing my sanity at the core….yes, even the Missy Moo (two-year-old girl).
The rebel-fest causes this mega form of introspection that, honestly, I hate. Why? Because I never win in the inner battle for understanding of what the hell teenagers are all about? After all, I’ve done my best. What could I have possibly done that’s so bad to enlist such disrespectful behavior? And what did I do SO differently with the older ones? I’m left with one desire: to catch the next airplane to an island in the Caribbean…alone to enjoy peace.
What thrilling, ugly times (or anything in between) have you gone through with your teen? And how does experiencing this change you as a mother? What kinds of things do you think about yourself as a mother?
Be Beautiful-Be Creative-Be Happy!