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Motorcycles VS The Bedroom


Are you a Squid?

I’ve recently discovered the pleasure, and pain, of being a motorcycle passenger.  With that came an education in the definition of ‘squid’ according to the book of Mark. No, not that book. I’m talking about the book of Mark Hardman, my life partner, and fellow adventurist.  According to him, a squid is a newbie who is also a poser. On the road, a squid is the guy wearing flip-flops, hunched way down over his bike while driving 65 mph, or the girl wearing a bikini.  They think they look like a sexy pro, but really just look a bit silly, and risky, to the experienced rider.

Motorcycle in the Bedroom

Mark and I recently made a trip to northern Indiana, and while I watched the cornfields flip past like shuffling cards, I zoned out.  During that time I found myself thinking back over my first awkward attempts to fulfill a need for sexual pleasure.  Fortunately for me, I found someone who was gentle and instructive and there were no real ‘squid’ moments.  Though I did have them later.

I’ll never forget the time I was walking down the street and my body had just started to develop.  The sun was slanting in over my shoulder, making my breasts look magnificently huge in the thrown shadow. I started trying to discover why they looked larger than I knew they were by bringing my hand to my breast and moving it away, back and forth, trying to figure out where the shadow was coming from.  By the time I discovered that the lovely lump was a shoulder instead of a boob, and looked up, there was an older teen walking towards me with a cheese-eating grin on his face.  He was cute too! Which only added insult to injury. I was justifiably mortified. If I could have crawled inside my shadow I would have.  My lesson of that day? Never play with your boobs in public unless you want attention.

We all start out as newbies, in the bedroom, and on the road, but we don’t have to remain that way, and god forbid we become a squid or a preteen playing with shadows.  After all, our ego is fragile enough during those first few times without someone calling us out as a poser.

How Not to be a Squid

Road rule #1

On the motorcycle, the most essential item, the one that is most likely to save our lives and keep us out of the vegetable state, is the helmet.  It’s equivalent in the bedroom is the condom and, just like a helmet, it can be uncomfortable.  They’re heavy, they’re hot, they constrict movement, and we can’t feel things through them.  Guess what?  We also can’t be hurt by things through them.

Helmets aren’t what they used to be and neither are condoms.  They build vents in helmets now to help with the comfort level, and condoms are thinner and stronger, some even come in flavors.  There are things we can do to improve the helmet experience, like installing a sound system so that we can listen to music or talk with our riding partner. We can improve the condom experience by learning how to use them correctly (male and female versions) and by learning the value of lube.  A little lube between the organ (whether vagina or penis) and that bit of synthetic material increases the pleasure by creating the feeling of moisture where it should be.  Our partners, male or female, can simulate a natural free state that way.  Add a little more lube between the condom and our body and we have a recipe for pleasure, no matter how wet we thought we were to begin with.  After all, we really can’t be too wet during sex.  The wetter, the sloppier, the better it will feel.

Use it. The helmet. The condom. And the lube.  Road accidents and STDs are real.  They happen every day and not everyone will admit having one.  Some of them can kill and it only takes exposure one time to catch the disease or destroy a life.  Don’t play Russian roulette in the bed or on the bike.

Your life is important to the world or you would not be here.

Road rule #2

Know the other people on the road.  When riding a bike we need to understand human—and sometimes animal—behavior.  People cut us off, they tailgate, they do all kinds of dangerous things.  Speed up, slow down, pull off the road for a bit, do whatever is needed to create some distance.  The same thing applies in the bedroom.  Know your partner, and/or partners.  Speed up, slow down, pull away, do whatever is needed to create a safe atmosphere of mutual pleasure and that includes getting tested for STDs and insisting they get tested regularly too.  Most cities have free clinics if you can’t afford the testing every three months.  If our partner(s) is unwilling to be tested, then dump them.  Nobody needs to ride surrounded by dangerous people.

Love yourself as much as you love the bike.

Road rule #3

Consider some of the other equipment too.  Specially made gloves, pants, boots, and jackets can save a person’s life and/or save a joint so that recovery time is reduced and quality of life is increased.  IUDs, the pill, etc, can prevent babies, and, as a mother of three, I can tell you that babies change your life in ways you never would have imagined.  I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything, but I would have waited to have them till I was older and wiser.  Do our future generations a favor and give them the pleasure of being conceived, and raised, in the most welcoming environment possible.

Road rule #4

Comfort and this one deserves subcategories.  As I’ve put in hours on the road, my butt, feet, legs, neckand did I say butthave paid the price.  Feeling like someone paddled me for an hour is no fun.  OK, maybe it can be fun but not when riding a motorcycle.   That kind of fun needs to be accompanied by orgasmic release for it to stay fun.  Somehow I don’t get that on the back of a bike…not yet anyway. (Insert naughty thoughts here). Skimping on this one is sure to have you seeing your trusted back specialists more than you need to.

Back on topic, I, like almost everyone else, will do something that hurts for only so long.  So our goal has been to do the things that will bring comfort to our ride, both on the road and inside the bedroom. I’ve noticed that even the creases in my pants can cause a lot of pain after I have been bounced around on them for a few hours, so I now have the most expensive pants I’ve ever owned.  If I had purchased them new they would have cost me around 160 bucks.  Instead, we paid $10 plus shipping on eBay for pants that looked, and feel, brand new. (Telling you this to point out that you can find bargains if you look hard enough.) The new pants stopped the painful pinching of my inner thighs and ass as well as stopped that annoying flapping around the ankles that my jeans did.  However, they were too hot because they were waterproof.  Due to this, I cut them up and modified them for more comfort, because that is who I am.  They now have venting for more airflow while still keeping their structural integrity and padding.

The Equivalent in the Bedroom

We need to buy lingerie that fits and makes us look hot as hell yet retains a level of comfort that keeps us coming back for more.  Maybe we don’t have the body of a diva, but our lingerie can make the most of what we have without pinching in a non-sexy way.  I know some of us are into pinching but having the skin under our arms pinched by an improperly fitting bra, or wearing underwear so rough it makes us too raw for sex, is not a good kind of pain.  Trust me.  And don’t be afraid to modify what you already own.  Sometimes those wires that keep poking out just need to be removed.  Adding a little elastic to a painful, but beautiful, tiny slip-of-nothing can be the difference between getting worn or gathering dust in a drawer.

Here’s a tip. Open your lingerie drawer, if the items in there are starting to smell like an old lady’s couch they aren’t getting used enough. Wear them or toss them. Get things you will use, and stop torturing yourself with things that are uncomfortable.

And that brings me to my last point.

How Important Is Sex to You?

We will spend thousands of dollars on hobbies of all sorts, sewing, gardening, boating, motorcycling, vacationing in the god knows where, and yet won’t spend 60 bucks for a good vibrator.  (And for me 60 bucks is on the low end, anything cheaper than that isn’t worth the plastic it’s made from.) Then we wonder why our sex lives suck.  Energy goes where attention flows.  And in this case, that attention is green and has a president printed on it.  We get back what we put in.  Save up and buy some good quality products.  The minimum we should spend is condom and lube but don’t be limited to that.

Which is more important? Sex or Hobbies?

Safety, danger, ‘love’ and good intentions do not equal pleasure, despite what all those women’s magazines and romance novels would have you believe.

Don’t wait for your partner to buy them for you either.  This is about valuing yourself.  If you want a swing, because it would make sex so much easier, then buy one.  If you want the Lelo vibrator because it can be used underwater, but it costs 300 bucks that you don’t have, save till you can get it.  You and your lifelong sex drive, are at risk if you don’t take care of your needs.  Want handcuffs and whips, go to the store and get them, or better yet, visit one of the many online stores and order in privacy. (Though I do recommend visiting a few stores so you have an understanding of what you will be getting.  There can be a vast difference in quality from one toy to the next.)

Price of a really good helmet: 600 bucks

Condoms: under 20 bucks

Quality of life without AIDs, priceless.

Seat for a motorcycle can run over a thousand bucks and people will plunk down the money in a heartbeat for the chance to have a woman ride partner with them.  Why aren’t they willing to pay the same for quality sex toys?  Maybe because they don’t understand the value of a good sex life.  Maybe because they don’t care.  This goes back to knowing who we ride with and choosing our partners carefully.  If our partner isn’t willing to help make sex pleasurable for both of us then maybe it’s time to move on.  There are lots of men and women, out there who will want to have full intimacy with us and do it in style.

And after that final mind-blowing orgasm isn’t that what this is all about the connection? The shared passion? Living the dream together?  With safety and comfort out of the way all that is left is enjoying the intimacy.

So are you a Squid? The good news is that if you are a squid it’s not a lifelong sentence.  With a few changes you can make your ride more comfortable and safer for you and everyone else.

I’m looking forward to hearing about the great things you do with it.  Love yourself as much as you do your hobbies.

About Elisabeth Tilton

With a long history in the artistic fields, fantasy fiction author, E.S. Tilton’s journey towards sexual freedom has been bumpy. Molested as a child and raped as an adult, this former minister has finally reached a point where she can enjoy sex with a fun loving, healthy attitude and is positive that you can get there too.

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One comment

  1. Oh, this article makes me laugh, albeit nervously! A really good friend of ours loved his motorcycles, back in the days prior to kids, now he doesn’t own one, but I digress. I had never been on a motorbike, and when he suggested I have a go on the back, I did, rather tentatively I must add. Gosh we must have been going all of about 40klms, with me creating permanent bruising on his sides from hanging on so tight, and being absolutely terrified. Suffice to say I haven’t done that again and don’t think I will.

    However, your comparison of being on the back of a bike with that of sex resonates with me. Sometimes sex, still today, puts me out of my comfort zone. Don’t get me wrong I love sex, much more than being on a bike, but it can still feel uncomfortable. I can still feel self-conscious and awkward. I often put it down to having 3 kids around and not feeling like I can be out of control… but you have made think about getting myself some more nice lingerie and working towards self-confidence. You are right, you need to have the right tools, and good quality ones to make the journey easier!


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