(a peek into the challenges, triumphs, and downright shitty moments of Borderline Personality Disorder)
With The Inked Angel
Who is an Addict?
Most people define an addict as someone who is an alcoholic or drug user. The truth is, anything that eases pain can become an object of addiction. People become addicted to the absence of feeling emotion. They want pain on the outside instead of the inside, and they want to become someone they are not. It’s not always easy to recognize an addict, however. They can have good jobs, good friends and look no different on the outside than anyone else.
My Personal Experience
I’ve been in an addictions program for a few months now, and even though my closest friends think my personal development is awesome, there are still many people who wonder why I am even there. I have been very good at hiding the true me through isolation,distrust and worrying about what others would think; but the truth is, I am an addict. My emotions have been stifled with many different vices, including, cigarettes, marijuana, sex, tattoos, video games, shopping, binge eating and starvation. Honestly, the list goes on.
The Addiction Cycle
When frustrated, I would smoke a joint. When lonely, I would have sex. Happiness would give me the desire to shop. Low self-esteem would be a time to stop eating, and then, with the guilt, I would binge eat. When I really wanted to escape reality, I would play online video games. I’d get the urge to get tattoos every time I had a bad day. And so on. This pattern made me realize that I never learned how to cope with the emotions. I didn’t want to feel them, so I would do something to change it. Smoking relaxes me. Joints mellowed me. Sex allows me to feel human closeness. The eating or not eating would make me feel better about myself. Tattoos give me pain I can see. Shopping gives a reason to be happy. It’s easy to see how I became addicted.
Trying Something New
I never even thought I was addicted. I’d make excuses like “doctors prescribe it for pain, it must be good for you” or even “there could be worse things to be addicted to”… unfortunately, it’s always been easiest to be dishonest with myself. When I decided to change my life, I realized just how addicted and dependent I had become. It wasn’t the choice of substance that I had become addicted to, it was why I chose it in the first place. These substances and actions had become my best friends, the ones who never left when I experienced my strong emotions. However, I wasn’t happy living my life that way. I had to make a choice. I had to learn how to deal with my emotions. I had to learn that it was OK to be who I am.
The Here and Now
I’ll never forget the withdrawal from the pot. I cried for days, I didn’t know how to go on without it, to cope with life’s issues. However, I am here today( 4 weeks clean) and I have never felt better. I don’t give the weed all the credit but with the addictions center for concurrent disorders, I had to be substance free to take the personal development class. I had to make a choice to clean up my addictions if I wanted to change my life. Learning about emotions, interpersonal skills and self-awareness are very important skills to have. I have also started a boxing boot camp program and eating more nutritious food. Working out is helping my confidence by getting me out three times a week. I am becoming comfortable around people again. Hopeful for the future, I know recovery is possible and I am a survivor. I like this intelligent, sexy woman I am, and I know others will too if given the chance. Perception is everything… seeing is believing.
I have friends from all walks of life, and they ask some interesting questions about addiction and how they, too, can find programs and solutions that work for them. One of the questions I’ve been asked is: How do God and addiction recovery go together? You can embrace strategies for recovery that also embrace your Christian beliefs. I believe that addiction recovery can be done no matter what your religious beliefs are. It is about your intention and drive to succeed that matters the most.
If you have any questions for me about my recovery or any other “hard stuff,” please leave me a comment below.
“If you care about what other people think, you will always be their prisoner.” James Frey
Follow The Inked Angel on her Facebook page The Inked Inspiration.