Today was a life-changer for me – a day of reckoning. I just spent over three months diving deep, hundreds of hours, working harder than I’ve ever worked, creating, building, fine-tuning an online course, my first. It was my steepest learning curve yet – just the technology alone would have derailed me even a year ago, much less the visioning, the multi-tasking, the focus required. Today it launched for the first time – version 1.0 – and not a single person has bought in yet and who knows, maybe no one will. And for the first time ever I am so good with that.
In the past I would have gone down for the count, been crushed, battered by the perceived failure, threatened myself that I was giving it all up, that I would finally stop following this “crazy” dream. I would have been suffocated by my own judgement, my inner critics. I would have gone to the extremes – “I’m no good”, suicidal thoughts, yucky yucky places.
But, instead, I just feel peaceful.
I feel proud. I feel expanded, moved, inspired, uplifted. And I’m looking for all the other stuff and it’s just not there. And I’m a little confused. Because it’s always been there waiting on the other side of “disappointment”, ready to pounce when something doesn’t go the way I think it should. And there’s absolutely no trace of it.
And if this is the gift that doing all of this offered then this is more than enough – priceless even. God knows I have done countless BodyTalk sessions, spent hours in deep inner process around this piece – but this transformation has me in awe and flat out excited. If perceived failure can’t stop me then nothing really can. It has no power over me anymore – what a crazy whole body relief, pressure gone, expansion possible, life beginning again but way, way better feeling! Indescribable…like a huge part of who I was just dropped right off in the night never to be heard from again. And I am really really good with that. And even if it does rise up I now know exactly what it feels like to not go there. And it feels fucking glorious.
So here’s what I got from all of this. As I sit here in this brand new and awesome experience of being with myself and in the world. And I hope, wherever you are and whatever brilliant things you’re up to or dreaming about, you’ll get a little something out of this little piece of wisdom…
Do whatever the fuck you love. No excuses. Whatever lights your fire. Just do that. Do it often. Do it with gusto. Do it with a focus and a dedication that won’t quit. Do it even if the spaghetti doesn’t stick to the wall. Do it even if no-one buys it right now, gets it right now, even if no-one seems to be picking up what you’re putting down. It really doesn’t matter. All that matters is how it feels for you. How you feel creating. Expanding. Opening. Being the vessel. Letting the inspiration move your limbs and your fingers and your heart and your soul.
Creating that program felt like a million bucks. I fucking loved it. I loved sitting in silence and letting the original idea wash over me. I loved putting words and sentences and paragraphs to the ideas that have sat with me for years and years. I loved the deadlines and even the pressure. The anticipation of completion. I loved how it felt to weave it all together, to feel each piece falling into place – it is my masterpiece. And it will fly again and again – this is not it’s last voyage by far. Each time getting a little further in reach than the last. And there will be others – they are brewing in me, waiting to be written, drawn out, pieced together. And some will land for others. And perhaps some won’t. But it doesn’t say a thing about it’s worth. Or yours.
When we subtract the pressure, the expectations, the agendas and the shoulds, the judgements and the criticism and all the other crap that just gets in our way, we find ourselves at peace, in awe and shocked by our brilliance. We find that we, in fact, are fucking cool, deep and fabulous, no hitting those targets, expectations or sales goals required. Just because. We find that we’ve got love in the place that matters most – heading in, heading down and up and all around this cool body-type place we call home. We are loved up by ourselves. Given permission to be our wild, off-the-cuff, limitless, wacky self by none other than ourselves. And that, my friends, is what you call true freedom.
Enjoy you in all it’s wacky crazy brilliance. I’m going to be doing the same. And starting another fabulous masterpiece that just can’t wait to get into the world. Just because I want to.
To your utter fabulousness,