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Learning To Love Within The Mind Of A Borderline

Learning To Love Within The Mind Of A Borderline

Feature Photo by Emeraldiris

AngelaScott

The Mind Chronicles

With The Inked Angel

“Resilient,” he said… “A warrior,” he called me… if I could only see that truth…

Living with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) can be painful when it comes to interpersonal relationships.  Love means everything yet nothing at all.  We seem to love hard and fast yet live in constant fear of being abandoned.  The heartache is caused by an ongoing yearning to find true happiness, though we may not even know what that is.

We had it all, or at least I felt like we did.  From that first moment we spoke, I knew the universe had brought him to me.  I’m the one who says it’s all for a reason… and I know I needed him in my life at this time.  I needed to learn how to love without restrictions, to care for someone without clutching on to them and to find peace within myself while being alone.  However, that is easier said than done. The love I feel is undaunted.  I knew this day would come; however, how could I truly prepare myself to say goodbye to one of the greatest loves of my life.

The Thoughts

I have wondered if I’ll ever truly find happiness with someone that my heart desires.  I’ve feared being alone forever and yet find settling for anything less than I think I deserve not an option.  This has brought great pain.  I am uncertain at times and think maybe I have set my sights too high and that my unrelenting standards will never let me truly be happy.  I am a warrior, but am I fighting myself?

The Emotions

I have felt the pain of every lost love coming over me like an overwhelming force.  I have burned so many bridges just to escape the pain. I feel remorse.  I miss each and every one of them deeply.  All the pain I have caused them just so I didn’t have to bear the weight of being wrong.  I feel so much humility. Sometimes these extreme emotions can lead to un-serving behavior and thoughts.

The Lessons

  • I’m learning. 
  • Words can never be taken back.  
  • Actions and words can leave scars.
  • I will never forget the love that I have taken for granted. 
  • I can’t change my past, but I can make my future. 
  • What I have done, I have done out of grief, and for that, I must forgive myself. 
  • Now, for the first time, I have said goodbye without anger, without being tenacious and without being desperate. 
  • I have come to realize that I am worthy of love… love from myself. 
  • It is ok to hurt, to cry, to mourn and to miss. I am human.
  • It is not petty; it is an honor to love someone with all of your heart. 
  • We would miss out on so much life if there was no passion. 
  • It’s these “soul mates” that make life worth living and without them there would be no learning.

“There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart…pursue those.”
—Michael Nolan

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About Angela Scott

Angela is a 30-something, single mom who thinks of herself as a bit of a superhero. She balances working professionally with being the tattooed, punk, ‘supermom’ to a beautiful daughter. Growing up almost like a gypsy led to constant disappointment that changed the social butterfly into a bit of a hermit. She has battled with addictions, experienced much heartache and overcame many obstacles. This ongoing battle has inspired her to take control of her life and learn why we, as humans, do the things we do. In sharing this experience, she hopes to help others find the connection between themselves and their happiness. Follow The Inked Angel on her Facebook fan page The Inked Inspiration.

One comment

  1. I loved the quote you used AND I this is so true that: I can’t change my past, but I can make my future. Everything you said in this article was great but those are the two things that most stuck out for me. I am trying hard to step beyond my past and move into a NEW and uncertain future. in that there is some fear.

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