When I started going to the addictions center for a concurrent disorder, I never imagined that I would be struggling to stay alive while involved with doctors and therapists. Let’s get this straight, I do not do heavy drugs or drink a lot, and I have never attempted suicide. Yet, there are many days that I want to. Instead, I shop a lot, get tattooed regularly and am addicted to the people who have treated me the worst. Now that I am more educated, did a little group therapy and opened up about my disorder, life has really changed. It could be my black and white thinking, but I see everyone looking at me differently. Some care more, some walked away, and I am even more confused about how I am supposed to see myself.
I stumbled upon a powerful video, which made me realize what hurts me the most. So many people are focused on what a BPD sufferer does to them, but they do not realize that they can just walk away. The BPD sufferer cannot and must deal with this emotional pain everyday of their lives. That is, until the sufferer learns to love himself. Take a moment to watch the video below made by Heather MFriend.
If you have been in any type of relationship with someone who suffers from BPD, you would tell me that it was hell and you were constantly walking on eggshells. The problem is, we BPDs are just as afraid of ourselves as you are of us. We do not like living with this person any more than you do. However, it is not our choice…not at first anyway. This is how we learned to deal with life, whether it is right or wrong. For me, everyone that I have ever loved has left me. No one wants to deal with the ‘crazy’ and honestly, most days I don’t want to either.
Love Is Key
It’s not about finding a partner, it’s about loving yourself. That is something that a Borderline has never learned to do. I’m still working on my sticky notes around the house that remind me of my good qualities, but I wish that building self-esteem worked faster. Changing bad habits are hard to break but can be broken with the right support. Life with BPD may be very discouraging, but there is hope. We are genuine, loving, amazing individuals and just need to find that within. Find a group that accepts you and wants to see you succeed. Be the friend that you need most in the world. No one can do this alone, and truly; you are not alone, neither am I. Take my hand and journey with me; together we can beat this.
Every one of us needs to show how much we care for each other and, in the process, care for ourselves. ~Princess Diana (BPD sufferer)