I’ve ridden a roller-coaster my entire life, fitting in nowhere, not even in my own home. Of course, by chance when I did, I’d find some way to mess it up. This life never allowed me to like myself or believe I deserved others to like me either. I’d moved out on my own by 16 and was expelled from school just before graduation. My life displayed a pattern: abusive relationships, drug abuse, eating disorders, and other self-destructive tendencies that I never once thought of as problems. I really had no idea who I was. I simply lived my life the best way I knew how.
Blunt force trauma to the head made it easy for me to leave a man who said he would love me forever. Most abused women stay. I’m proud to say I was strong enough to go. Accepting that I was not to blame but only played a part in what happened was an important step in my recovery. As a single parent in a brand new city, I was terrified, yet determined to show the world I could rise above my previous life. However, reality hit and striving to do everything alone took its toll. Nine months after moving, just two days before Christmas, contemplating driving my car off the bridge, I checked myself into emergency. I will never forget the fear and humiliation I felt in the small room with the guard outside. I didn’t feel like I belonged there, but they wouldn’t let me leave. Trapped again. I had done it to myself.
But, that was then…
It’s been one hell of a journey since I decided to start my life over two years ago. I have to admit that seeking help was the smartest thing I could have done. The psychiatrist, after hearing my story, diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). He asked me to read the book, I Hate You–Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality
. All I had to do was read the back to realize I was no longer alone. I don’t take medication for bi-polar, anxiety, or depression. For me, pills only make things worse. I needed to change my mind… learn to love myself. Something entered my life that I’d never experienced before…unconditional love.
Listening To Love
People may judge my flaws, but I understand now, they are only insecure about their own imperfections. I now choose to listen to healthy, secure individuals. They tell me I’m awesome— that I’m smart enough to achieve personal success. I believe them. This unconditional love has changed my life. You see, we can’t grow without it. Though I still find myself angry at times for 30 years of rejection, I still have a good heart and would give the shirt off my back to help someone. Suffering, rejection, years without answers, and the misdiagnosis of a real mental condition happened to me.
It happens to many…unfortunately.
I believe it’s important for people to be aware of BPD, as there are so many of us who experience emotional turmoil. Even if you personally don’t have BPD, I can almost guarantee that you come into regular contact with one or more persons who do. Over 18- million people in America alone have been diagnosed with BPD. That’s just the individuals who have come forward and sought help. After so many years of personal struggling, awareness has given me understanding about who I am and the reasons I do what I do. I no longer believe I’m crazy or incurable. I’m just a girl who didn’t get what she needed growing up, like so many others. Building self-confidence is the first step and crucial, as most individuality is envied. There also must be a self-assessment to recognize destructive behavior. With help and knowledge, it is possible to change non-serving behavior if you really want to. Most importantly, believe in yourself. I do.
For more information about BPD, visit The National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder