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More Out of Monday with Madeline♥
I’m Madeline – a healthfully humorous, radically ridiculous, momentarily messy broad here to give you a flicker of joy on the (in most cases) most indignant day of the week.
Photo by Gothicjade (the greatest edgy photographer on the web…thanks)
Monday is like…
…sitting through an important meeting knowing that your feminine hygiene product has just reached maximum capacity. You’re afraid to move, as the situation might get worse.
***Warning: This post contains graphic description of the woman’s menstrual cycle. Men and the faint-hearted might want to abstain from reading any further. It’s really not that bad, but I thought I should say something anyway.
Speaking of that time of the month, how’s that workin’ for you? Anymore, mine has been like a vicious flood of unbridled blood flow. Comes with the forty-something season, my doc tells me. I feel like I’ve had to reinvent my strategy for these despised, roughly 75, days of the year. Really, it’s like a sick joke played out by the powers that be. I imagine the conversation went something like this:
“Since she’s experienced with the whole menses thing, let’s see how much she can handle!”
“I agree. She’s a trooper.”
“After all, she’s been through a lot more blood than this; there’s childbirth and that time she cut her hand real badly while doing the dishes. Going through a tampon and pad an hour…piece of cake for her!”
“Oh, let’s throw in some blood clots this time. Our champ will surely shine through even that! In fact, I’m willing to wager on that…say, a century’s salary.”
“You’re on!”
I never thought I’d be excited about getting to menopause.
Well, at least there is one consolation, the periods are shorter. Three to five days instead of the seven to eight that I experienced my whole life. It’s so much better…if you believe that, just wait till you reach the purgatory of female existence (39-50 something). I think I need to go see Dr. Lamse for some hormone counseling. I’m not sure what can be done, but I’m willing to try anything at this point. My husband is willing to pay me to get some help with the emotional outbursts that happen once a month. I say: “If I get some help, you have to get some, too!”
Anyway, in case you’re wondering if you’ve reached a point with your monthly cycle that you need some loving guidance (or a good kick in the ass), check out my top 5 clues…and please see your doctor if you think something may be wrong in that area.
1. Your sweet ten-year-old offspring kindly asks you for a snack, and you reply: Oh, wait…I forgot to tell you that you’re doubled over, holding your vagina in attempt to make it to the bathroom before you bleed all over the ever-so-slightly off white carpet that you picked out after you escaped from the mental hospital.
”Kid, get your own *(blogging) snack; eat the *(blogging) cat; can’t you see that I’m having a *(blogging) emergency here!”
2. You can’t buy your usual 2 lattes that weekbecause you’ve helped build the net worth of either Stayfree®, Kotex®,Tampax®, or OB®, and, of course, the toilet paper company of your choice.
3. Crimson red used to be your favorite color.
4. You find yourself exchanging your favorite daydream of a tropical vacation in Hawaii for one that entails being rolled into the operating room for a radical hysterectomy.
5. Your idea of romance isyour significant other coming home with Midol® without being asked.
Well, Ladies, that’s my jibber-jabber for this week. Excuse me now; I have to go tend to the extreme female experience.
Love,
Madeline♥
*The blog version of radio edit. You can insert whatever words are fitting for your vocabulary and moral standards.
More Out of Monday with Madeline♥
I’m Madeline – a healthfully humorous, radically ridiculous, momentarily messy broad here to give you a flicker of joy on the (in most cases) worst day of the week.
The Monday after Valentine’s Day is like…
…heaven on Earth or your worst nightmare, depending on how your significant other did with the festivities.
Well…how was it?
Did you celebrate with a romantic dinner for two, candles, flowers, music, the whole cliche V Day thing? Or was it unique with a trip to the winery for a couples wine tasting event? Better yet, was it a day without the kids, cooking, cleaning, or any noise in general?
OR…
Were you among the masses of disappointed gals who didn’t get romanced, pampered or stripped of their mommy duties for the day? For you, if your relationship was in trouble before February 14th, it’s really crashing now.
Here’s the thing…
Why do we put so much pressure on each other to deliver the goods on this one day? Do you know that Valentine’s Day was really created by the greeting card companies as a marketing ploy to sell “Love cards”. Really. We were duped. I hate that you men get away with so much shit all year long and then we fawn over you on this silly holiday. Wouldn’t it be better if we all just found ways to say I love you every day instead of exploding the gifts and mush all for the sake of St. Valentine? We really have no imagination if we just do romantic things because we think we have to.
How about planning a surprise for your honey in the middle of January or July? I know some couples enjoy this type of spontaneous and adventurous life, but the masses don’t. I think we should rebel against the propaganda of the retail industry and start being just a little more creative. Here’s some suggestions that I’ve come up with:
• Just say NO to all Valentine’s Day spending!
• Honor your loved ones with your time…yes, turn off the TV, the video game, and play a board game with your kids.
• Pick up every-one’s favorite ice cream on the way home from work; they will LOVE you forever for this one! I would.
• Send cards and flowers to your parents (in-laws, too) just because.
• Have a regular date night with your spouse or partner. Don’t wait for a holiday to show off your skills in the romance department.
• Ladies, don’t let your guys have all the fun; plan a date that he will flip over! This is your chance to think like a man. If you simply can’t do it, ask a male friend to help you out.
• Find a healthful activity to do together. Jogging, tennis, hiking, swimming, biking, and even a walk in the park are all fun things you can do to promote health and liven up your relationship.
• When was the last time you told your man that he was handsome or sexy? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Because this post involves both sexes and there aren’t many men who read women’s blogs, you ladies are going to have to pass this info on to the opposite sex. And PLEASE tell us your ideas about boycotting Valentine’s Day. Have a wonderful Monday and a better week.
Love,
Madeline♥
Photo of Madeline by Gothicjade
More Out of Monday with Madeline♥
I’m Madeline – a healthfully humorous, radically ridiculous, momentarily messy broad here to give you a flicker of joy on the (in most cases) worst day of the week.
The Monday after your team LOSES the Superbowl is like…
…your kids knocking on the bedroom door while you’re having sex – a huge let down, and there’s no re-dos.
Oh, well…you can’t win em all, right? It was sort of nice to see the Saints so excited about winning their first Superbowl ever. And I have to respect the outstanding game they played…and won. As for you men in blue and white, I love you no matter what! YOU ROCK!
Today, I want to talk about love…
I know it’s a little different than my usual cynical outlook on my world and that of others. However, I do have a softer side and I want to show it (remember, I said softer, not squishy). Kellie will be so proud of me. Not that I’m a people pleaser or anything. Far from it! Get real; I’m not going to send virtual Hershey’s Kisses to all my bloggy friends. I’m simply going to spend a few minutes sharing a perspective about love…mine.
And so it goes.
Love is…
…when he/she understands every word you’re not saying.
…stain sticking even the gross parts of the underwear before throwing them in the wash.
…a mental illness that no pill will help.
…fraternizing with the enemy.
…like a ghost – you don’t see it coming or going until it’s too late.
…safe – if you’re a lap dog.
…believing what you don’t see and not believing what you do.
…like a joint checking account – you both have access to it and use it but one usually keeps it balanced.
…sharing an ice cream cone – if you over think it, you won’t do it.
…and it’s a battlefield.
I would love it if you added your best Love is…quote right down there in the comment area. Come on; don’t be shy! Give Madeline some love for Valentine’s week.
Madeline’s photo by Gothicjade
More Out of Monday with Madeline♥
I’m Madeline – a healthfully humorous, radically ridiculous, momentarily messy broad here to give you a flicker of joy on the (in most cases) worst day of the week.
Every year, after the holidays, I give myself…oh, about 30 days or so to take down my decorations. I know that’s a long time to leave them up, but I just love the way they make the dull, winter days sparkle just a little. Well, yesterday was the day to do the deed…the one I hate. If you recall from a previous post, I told you that last year I actually placed my fully decorated tree into a tall closet for safe keeping. Truly, I haven’t lived that one down yet.
Look out for the new Madeline! I have accomplished what my family thought impossible after cheating with the tannenbaum last year. I’ve done it! It’s snug in a nice crate (taken apart mind you). And I remember why I hate the task with the core of my being. Let me tell you what fun things I endured to avoid being laughed at by teenagers…
1. The tree actually fell on my head while I yanked on a string of garland that obviously thought it was rooting. Note to self: Gentleness.
2. I realized how loved I really was when all of my children declined an invitation to help me. They much preferred watching me…humiliating.
3. About half way through the plucking of precious ornaments, I started breaking out from my fingers to my elbows. Previously, I thought that this amazing fleshly outburst only occurred while attending to a live tree; I was dreadfully wrong. Those little itchy bumps invaded my arms like an army of ants.
4. Can you say vertigo? Yes, I got it while unwrapping the hundreds of lights from their holiday haven. My revenge came as I did a quick looping, dropped them in the box, and said, “You’re done for…bwwwaaaaahaaaahaaaa!” No, really; they won’t work next year.
5. Just as I thought that I was home free (boxes packed neatly, lids in place), my cat decided to claim the ornament crate as his own. Now, for those of you who don’t know what that means: He pissed on it.
So, needless to say, I learned my lesson; I’ll never take the holiday decor down again…without help that is. Otherwise, it’s the closet gig again.
Madeline’s photo by Gothicjade
More Out of Monday with Madeline♥
I’m Madeline – a healthfully humorous, radically ridiculous, momentarily messy broad here to give you a flicker of joy on the (in most cases) worst day of the week.
Monday is like…
…your alarm clock: You know you need it but can’t stand the annoyance it causes.
I am in a quandary this morning.
I wanted to come up with something curt and spiteful to say about the break of the dreaded Monday, but, guess what? I’ve got nothin’ but a smile on my face. No, I didn’t have a double “O”. Better. My city’s team is Super Bowl bound! Yes, the Indianapolis Colts are headed back to Miami! Sorry to all of you Jets fans out there. It was meant to be. BTW, I have a new football player crush…Austin Collie (Colts wide receiver). Needless to say, I’m looking forward to the eye candy….oh, uh, the Super Bowl. Is it bad that I’m old enough to be his mother?
I was in a football frenzy yesterday. I even watched the Saints/Vikings game. Now, I do have a few things to say about that one. Does anyone else think that there was hit ordered on Bret Favre? Good God, they must have pummeled him at least 20 times during that game! I’ve never seen him look so old and tired. Though I wasn’t routing for the Vikings to win, I really felt for the guy. How would you like to remember likely your last game as being the old man who threw away the Super Bowl? I could almost hear Taps playing as he walked off the field.
On a brighter note, Drew Brees was quite enjoyable to watch. Though he could use a good hair cut. The mullet thing doesn’t present in his favor…but who cares, right? Just keep your hat on and I’ll be happy.
Does anyone else have teenagers at home? I guess they aren’t used to me jumping up and down and screaming at the television. I got the look…you know the one. It markedly asks “Mom, are freakin’ crazy?” and “Do you want to go to the mental hospital?”
I calmly reply to the eye gesture, “We’re going to the Super Bowl; I can get excited.”
“You’re so annoying, Mom,” one of the offspring says in with the tone.
It sort of makes me want to embarrass them…on purpose. Well, anyway, try to enjoy your Monday as much as I am. Here’s a little clip of my boy, Collie, that I thought you’d like to see. It’s not from yesterday’s game, but can you say AMAZING?
Madeline’s photo by Gothicjade
More Out of Monday with Madeline♥
I’m Madeline – a healthfully humorous, radically ridiculous, momentarily messy broad here to give you a flicker of joy on the (in most cases) worst day of the week.
Monday is like…
…being out of coffee…period.
Do you ever feel like your getting Alzheimer’s about thirty years too early? It’s so embarrassing. You run into an old school mate; start up a light conversation about the weather, her shoes, her dying aunt, whatever. And walking up behind you is your husband who has been meandering along as you scope the clothing stores. You go to introduce him to your old pal and you suddenly realize that you can’t remember her name (or your husband’s name, if it’s really bad). Your face turns a lovely shade of fuchsia; your friend is smiling graciously to see if you can recover from the middle-aged blooper; your done for. Not only that, the blunder has left you tongue-tied and completely unaware that you’ve spilled your mocha Frappichino on your Ugg boots. Good God!
“It’s Jenny,” she says.
Your husband can’t help but notice her double D’s and reaches for her hand. “I’m Bob.”
Your mind is frozen except for the wishful thinking that puts you on an island in the South Pacific somewhere. You look up from your whipped cream basted suede Christmas gift to see her shoot a flirty look at your “BOB.” That Beee-otch-of-a-washed-up-cheer-leader! She always was a back-stabbing whore! No wonder you couldn’t remember her name; she’s a vixen that you swore you’d forget!
Pure revenge fills your heart.
If only you could think straight enough to come up with a curt one-liner. Nothing. Damn.
You look down, fumble with your purse and the bag, and non-chalantly release the 20 oz Starbucks cup. The frothy delight splatters a perfect semi-circle at and on the feet of the Harlot. A little gets on her legs, too.
“Oh, crap!” You exclaim, “I’m so sorry, Jenny!”
Seeing her bounce around and scramble through her purse for a tissue with the desperation of a trapped cougar is revenge enough. “Here, let me help you,” you offer, as you pick up your cup.
“No, I got it.” She looks near tears.
Suit yourself, you think to yourself and slip away to the right. “It was nice to see you again!”
She looks up and waves with a scowl.
The moral: Who needs clever, mean words when you have a drink to spill. Even better, you can continue this behavior through old age…when the dementia is real.
Madeline, you out did yourself! Don’t you feel bad, Madeline? You ask.
Well, maybe a little….no, not so much. I didn’t need the extra calories, anyway.
Madeline’s photo by Gothicjade
More Out of Monday with Madeline♥
I’m Madeline – a healthfully humorous, radically ridiculous, momentarily messy broad here to give you a flicker of joy on the (in most cases) worst day of the week.
The Monday after New Year’s is like…
…opening a closet that hasn’t been cleaned out for five years.
What Now?
Yes, dears, the holidays are over, and you might be feeling a tad bit blue or hungover, depending on how much you partied this past weekend. Me….well, I’m good to go. My resolutions are set. At least my good intentions are.
BTW, I made up with the Wii Fit trainer that I wanted to murder last week. Really, I just figured out that you can skip the crap in between and go right to the exercises. No more lip from that virtual SOB.
I’m working on my new blog that will hit the web as soon as possible. New ventures are scary; you can’t help but wonder if you’re doing the right thing. Blogging is not like other normal activities you decide on like, what to eat and drink, how to murder your boss, or what your going to wear today. No, it’s quite different. One must be willing to share personal things with the entire world and not worry about what people think. It’s like being an activist of sort or Kate Gosselin. Take your pick…
Now where was I? Oh, yeah, what now? Well, I most definitely will avoid all of the following in the coming year:
♦ Men who look like perverts (they probably are).
♦ All Internet ads that pop up in the middle of my email.
♦ Facebook applications (virus city)!
♦ Brussels sprouts
♦ Reality shows that start with the words: Parking, Pimp, Prom, or Polution.
♦ Car salesman who lie. Hope I don’t need a car.
♦ Anything that is too good to be true. Oh, wait, I was doing that visualization thingy…anything is possible.
And, the things that I will cling to with my entire body (legs wrapped around, teeth clenched, and nails digging).
♥ Midol
♥ Chocolate
♥ Coffee
♥ Under eye cover up
♥ Push up bra
♥ My Pure Romance consultant’s number
Yes, I’m a rebel. Yes, I know this is a wellness blog. Hey, a girl’s got to have what she’s got to have. At least I’m real and honest…I didn’t say real honest. I’m saving that for my personal blog.
Love,
Madeline
I almost forgot…here’s a little after holiday fun for you…
Madeline’s photo by Gothicjade
More Out of Monday with Madeline♥
I’m Madeline – a healthfully humorous, radically ridiculous, momentarily messy broad here to give you a flicker of joy on the (in most cases) worst day of the week.
The Monday after Christmas is like…
…tipping up the can of Redi Whip, pointing it in your mouth, and only getting air.
I hope everyone’s holiday was fabulously festive! Mine was one of the best I’ve ever had…though there was far too much cream involved. Today, I am bloated and demanding that all dairy be removed from my sight.
Are you thinking about your New Year’s resolutions yet? Oh, boy, I am! The first thing I’m going to do is not let my my husband cook for awhile. Men just don’t understand a woman’s metabolism. I think I’m going to lock myself in the bathroom with my juicer and 25 lb of fresh fruits and veggies for the next month. Do you think they would miss me? They more likely would miss the bathroom…
Did anyone else get a Wii for Christmas? Or a Wii fit? Good God in heaven, I am out of shape! My Wii fit age is about 15 years more than my mother’s. That’s a slap in the face. I tried the yoga thinking it would be the easiest of all the games…not so much. It’s bad enough that I fell off the balance board, but then my know-it-all Wii trainer had to snidely remind me after I was done. Bastard.
On the bright side of things, I’m starting my own blog soon. You can still catch me here at Women’s Life Link on Mondays, but I will be joining the ranks of blogging women with a daily outpouring of nonsense. I’ll let you know when and where very soon. I hope you follow me. Ta ta for now; I have to go plan a virtual homicide. Mr. Wii trainer, you’re going down!
Madeline’s photo by Gothicjade
More Out of Monday with Madeline♥
I’m Madeline – a healthfully humorous, radically ridiculous, momentarily messy broad here to give you a flicker of joy on the (in most cases) worst day of the week.
Monday is like…
…No Refunds, Exchanges, or Store Credits.
Here I am on the Monday after Thanksgiving wondering who kidnapped my body and left the bloated, achy one in its place. Uugggg – too much turkey, potatoes, corn, and pie for me. Why do I do it to myself every year? With good intentions of NOT going for seconds (or thirds), I wriggle through the family line and overload my plate in ten seconds flat. One of the unhealthy traditions that I can’t seem to break away from. Thanks Mom and Dad.
Shopping Frenzy
Did anyone go shopping on Black Friday? Did anyone get trampled, flipped off, or bit while trying to buy, Rocky the Robot Truck. Sorry, little Johnny, I wasn’t willing to lose an eye for it. People are crazy at the holidays, especially women! The meek housewife from the burbs who would do anything for anybody suddenly turns into the holiday shopper from hell – red, glowing eyes, vicious fangs, and three inch talons are no match for this chick; you can have the damn toy! Did I say that out loud? So much for good tidings.
You thought that lovely woman was to be feared in the store, just wait till you meet her on the road! God help us all if there is ice or snow on the street. It’s then that I have delusional visions of living in a much simpler time without all the hustle and bustle. Is it bad to text your therapist while driving?
Cyber Monday
Well, if you really want to avoid all the craziness of the desperate housewives of Mall of America, try online shopping. You won’t have any problems with that….yeah right! You might be okay with the purchasing part, but have you ever tried to return something you bought via the web?
Count to ten and breathe slowly into the paper bag…
I once tried to return something that was a gift for a dear friend. She waited three months for the new one to arrive. Maybe it’s just me, but I seem to have no luck with cyber carts. They always seem to have the electronic equivalent of a noisy Walmart cart with a bum wheel. Only I can’t just ditch it in the toilet paper aisle and get a new one. You’re stuck with e-commerce glitches…all the way through the store. Once it took me an hour to realize the reason why the check out page wouldn’t accept my info. My caps lock was on.
Maybe we all just need to be obliviously happy during holiday shopping like this adorable tike.
Madeline’s photo by Gothicjade
More Out of Monday with Madeline♥
I’m Madeline – a healthfully humorous, radically ridiculous, momentarily messy broad here to give you a flicker of joy on the (in most cases) worst day of the week.
Monday is like…
…finally getting flowers from your significant other and your allergic to them.
Have you ever been so busy that you forgot your own children’s names? You attempt to call one of them and what comes out of your mouth is a stuttered combination of your other child’s name (or the pet’s), your grocery list, and the title of the novel you wish you had time to read. Your flesh and blood offspring looks at you like you’ve lost your mind; like you should be drooling into a bowl at the nursing home – not good for mom diplomacy with the teen. Arrg!
The other area of failure when I get overworked is the condition of the homestead. Everyone else tries religiously to convince me that they’re doing their chores, but then when I’m not able to be there much, why does it look like a crack house (not that I’ve ever been in one); I watch a lot of cop dramas on TV. I mean, COME ON! Can someone just help? The reoccurring nightmare about child services coming and taking them away for an unfit environment has really got to stop!
I feel like I’m always one holiday behind. I have a moldy, shrunken head of a jack-o-lantern and wilted mums on my porch at Thanksgiving when the Joneses have their Christmas lights neatly applied to every eave of their perfect house. If our holiday decor gets up by December 15th, I’m doing pretty good. We won’t talk about when it actually gets put away. To save time last year, I put the tree (fully decorated) into a tall closet for safe keeping. Sure, you laugh now; just wait until you are sorting out all of those branches, untwisting lights, and cleaning up after the mess. Who’s the smart one then? Happy Holidays!
Madeline’s photo by Gothicjade
More Out of Monday with Madeline♥
I’m Madeline - a healthfully humorous, radically ridiculous, momentarily messy broad here to give you a flicker of joy on the (in most cases) worst day of the week.
Monday is like…
…the new, gorgeous (skinny) intern at work casually asking you , “When are you due?” You think…maybe I should have passed on that triple cheeseburger for lunch.
Now, on to more important things.
Ode to My Scales
We’ve been though it, you and I,
From “you stupid, broken peice of crap,” to “why should I even try.”
You must be thinking that I’m a foolish tart,
When, every other week, I curse your digital display…straight from my heart.
I know that you’re just doing your job,
But I can’t help but think that you want to leave your mistress…this blob.
I’m sorry that I work you so hard with my ups and downs,
Just bear with me one more week; a new grapefruit diet, I have found.
It’s going to be different from this day on,
Wait and see; I can do this. That extra fat, forever will be gone!
I truly do love you; I can’t be shy,
When you say I’m 155 when the doctor’s scale says otherwise.
So, I promise to cut you some slack today,
I’ll just quietly leave the bathroom without delay.
Enjoy your vacation without complaint,
Because, someday I’ll be back…just you wait!
Madeline’s Photo by Gothicjade
More Out of Monday with Madeline♥
Welcome to my inaugural post! I’m Madeline - a healthfully humorous, radically ridiculous, momentarily messy broad here to give you a flicker of joy on the (in most cases) worst day of the week. I’ll try to give you, well, more out of your Monday with the useless stuff that women pour over when their brains are still checked out from the weekend. If you aren’t careful though, you might find a lesson or two between the lines.
So, let’s move on.
Monday is like…
…the new suit you bought on the Shopping Network; it arrives revealing that it looks just like the one that your Aunt Betty wore…to her funeral.
Now that we got that straight, let’s talk about the “A” word…no, not that “A” word, the other one… Aging.
For God’s sake, Girl, you have to get over it! I did.
Here are a few signs of the transition…gives you something to shoot for.
1. An AARP commercial comes on, and you actually watch it.
2. You proudly fill your grocery cart with a pair of $3.00 reading glasses, a Glucosamine supplement, Activia, More® magazine, and a Reader’s Digest®, foregoing the Seventeen® mag, french fries, and Midol…damn menopause.
3. You start sending your grown kids articles you’ve clipped from the Reader’s Digest®.
4. Your purse sounds like a Maraca when you pick it up from all of the NSAIDs, Tums, calcium sups, and M&Ms.
5. You call all of your living ancestors to ask them what major illnesses run in the family and then Google their answers to make sure you don’t have any symptoms.
Think of it this way: each day gets you closer to being the woman God dreamed up. Beautiful. Embrace aging like you do your Snuggie…you know you have one (or secretly want one); don’t deny it. Mine is leopard. Grrrrr….
Madeline’s Photo by Gothicjade