Tag Archives: Painful Situations
I can’t tell you how many women I’ve known who have said, “I hate writing; I just don’t know what to say.” And though some of them may have been grammatically-challenged, I always encouraged them to give it a try. Writing for creative expression or simply to journal your ideas is not about being perfect or eloquent; it’s about YOU and what’s inside of YOU. God knows I’m not a perfect writer, but I do get an immense amount of joy and self-satisfaction from it. Even if you don’t particularly find writing to be your favorite activity, you can benefit from it’s health-boosting rush.
Brain Health Benefits
Your brain is a wonderfully complex organ that needs stimulation to be healthy. When we write or process language in any way, the brain creates neural pathways that actually enhance problem-solving and memory. When the left brain engages the writing process, the right brain is free to create; thus, the whole practice removes blockages that can hinder learning and the ability to express one self. I don’t know about you, but that’s enough reason for me to get out the pen and paper.
“Turn off your internal censors and write about your experiences – both positive and negative – as honestly as you can,” says James Pennebaker, Ph.D., pioneer of expressive writing research and chair of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. When we write about a traumatic event or difficult situation our body produces more immune system T-Lymphocytes that in turn can help prevent illness. Other research shows that writing can lower blood pressure and soothe other conditions caused by inflammation like asthma and arthritis.
Emotional Benefits
Writing is a way to process past experiences that may be causing hindrances to your self-improvement. It can clarify a misunderstanding or even solve a problem altogether. Working through traumatic parts of your life is not easy; however, journaling these events can help with the release of toxic emotions that prevent healing. Reflecting on what you’ve written is also a way to promote inner-healing.
“I learned that you should feel when writing, not like Lord Byron on a mountain top, but like child stringing beads in kindergarten, – happy, absorbed and quietly putting one bead on after another.”
˜Brenda Ueland
A Newly Found Talent
If you haven’t tried creative writing or journaling in the past, you might be surprised at what comes out of that brain of yours. Sometimes talents are buried by useless self-doubt and are never able to come to the surface. Writing freely just might bring out a latent gift for prose. And if it doesn’t, that’s OK; just keep on writing anyway.
Don’t think that you have to write stories or essays to bring out your ability. Writing poetry, song lyrics, and even jokes is a great way to express your feelings – positive and negative. Keep in mind that you don’t have to show anyone else your work. Though, it does help to get feedback if you plan to pursue a writing career. I hope that every one of you give writing or journaling a try as it can be so rewarding and healing. In fact, if you want to send me an article, essay, or poem that pertains to women’s living, I might publish it here on Women’s Life Link. Be well-be beautiful.
Photo by Ereon
Introspective Sunday
Fear is an unusual and diverse emotion; it can be debilitating or it can be motivating; it can halt you in your tracks or it can make you run. Some choose to avoid their fears and some look them in the eye with every bit of courage they have. I for one am a woman who has faced some and hid from others. That is the most likely scenario. Have you ever met anyone who was afraid of every thing or someone who wasn’t afraid of anything? I haven’t.
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
Imaginations
Have you ever been in a place that just felt creepy; did you get goose bumps and swear that someone was watching you? Sometimes those feelings might have a valid source or they might just be your imagination. It’s in this same way that we can concoct the most terrifying scenes in our minds concerning other life situations - again, our imagination. Fear actually brings in a serious influx of creativity – the scary kind.
The Worst Thing That Can Happen
Though I wouldn’t recommend dwelling on bad things, it could be helpful to write down your problem or situation and then, beside it, write the worst thing that could happen as a result of the first thing. Your fear-facing challenge comes in the next step. Write out how you could handle the “worst”. Example: I’m afraid of losing my job. If I do lose my job, I will have no money. If this happens, I can search for a new job, go back to school, borrow some money, downsize my lifestyle, sell off some things I don’t need, or ask for government help. You know ahead of time how to deal with life’s curve balls. In some cases there may not be anything you can do. This is something that you have to accept and simply move on.
“I will face my fears. I want to be able say I’ve swum with sharks.”
Amy Nuttall quotes
One Step at a Time
Just as with any change, facing fears is something that needs to happen when you’re ready. If you jump too fast without the proper mental fortitude, you might end up slipping further into a state of anxiety. Make your approach with caution and with the understanding that things might not turn out anything like you imagined – good or bad. This isn’t the time to make hasty decisions based on emotions either. Wait until you are calm, then tackle the situation. Forgive all the sports analogies; I’m a tomboy at heart.
What are you afraid of, and how do you plan to face it? Please share your ideas with us. Be well-be beautiful.
Photo by Super Nerd Chick
Welcome to Introspective Sunday
Today’s topic is one that affects every person on this planet: discouragement and frustration. In a quest to understand why we experience these negative emotions, I discovered three things: 1) We must accept that it’s normal to feel bad when things don’t go well (a prerequisite for being born a female). 2) It’s important to know what causes these feelings (your child got an F, the cat peed on your new leather purse, or the traffic on your blog sucks; just a few examples I thought worthy to mention). 3) We must overcome them for mental, emotional, and spiritual health (no, the Debby Downer Club is not for you).
The Nature of a Woman
Women, especially, experience these troubling emotions when they see the ones they love hurting or in trouble. Our natural instinct to nurture and protect can be overwhelming; we are left wondering why no one sees our undying effort to make things better – can’t they just stop screwing up already? And, when we can’t change things quickly enough, it puts us into a heightened sense of frustration; I believe this is called motherhood or PMS.
Additionally, our own aspirations (finishing the book you started in 2007, finally getting the house decorated the way you want it, eating dinner while it’s still hot) may be put on a back burner in order to attend to the needs of others. Both circumstances bring a sense of self-doubt and create a gully between us and our desires. Did anyone see the bridge?
The normalcy of discouragement doesn’t mean that you should allow it to reserve the presidential suite, stretch out on the Egyptian cotton, and order room service. When you feel it coming on, just put out the “No Vacancy” sign. In other words, deal with it up front; don’t wait for negativity to grow roots.
Consider this, as well: There could be a destructive pattern of self-sabotage that needs to be addressed before you can move on (this was one of my issues). When I realized that I kept doing the same really stupid things and reacting in the same really stupid way, I could then avoid the tendency for insane repetition and move forward.
“The most essential factor is persistence – the determination never to allow your energy or enthusiasm to be dampened by the discouragement that must inevitably come.” ˜James Whitcomb Riley
The nature of these negative emotions is that of a roller coaster. You find yourself experiencing them sometimes (the dips); just as you find yourself overcoming (the hills). When we know that they are temporary, we can find our way to the next hill sooner and with greater momentum. Remember, every situation will pass at some point.
Key Points to Overcoming
• Recognize the emotions (Patterns?) • Realize they are temporary • Change what you can and let the rest go • Seek out encouraging people • Focus on past victories • Make the appropriate changes
Keeping a positive outlook will bring you your heart’s desire more quickly than dwelling on your disappointments. Speak out what you want to happen and visualize yourself enjoying the victory. This is powerful. Overcoming discouragement and frustration is just another facet of character building. Ultimately, we become better women, mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, and friends when we allow ourselves to gracefully pass over the gully. The other side is there waiting, and it’s glorious!
Help Someone Else
Please share a story about how you overcame a discouraging or frustrating situation. We truly are encouraged by the victories of others. Be well-be beautiful!
Photo by Borufka
What I am writing here may at first seem negative, but remember the flip side of a negative is always a positive and light scatters darkness – always!
My mom died of cancer at the age of 52. That’s way too young! Why?? Through the years I have thought of her and asked God that question. Consequently, I now know why she went to an early grave. My dad was strong and authoritative, from the generation that taught him to be the head of the household and that the wife must submit to his every wish, while giving up her own desires and dreams.
Consequences of Not Being Yourself
Because my mom was (de)educated in the same way, she dropped her pre-marriage life and tried to fit into her husband’s mold of what a wife should be. She was very good at it; the “perfect wife”. She gave up everything she knew and loved for whatever he wanted. She had liked dance and drama, asparagus and spinach, writing and creative decorating. He did not like these things so she squelched her true self to fit his mold (see “Boxes and Molds”). As I look now at photographs of her, I see fear and hopelessness in her eyes. Why did she do that? I believe she thought she was doing the right thing. Bless her heart; all is well with her now!
I started out following her example – wanting to be the “best wife” and to “make my husband happy”! You know, it didn’t work, nor should it have. I re-invented myself for my husband and it did not make him happy! It just hurt me and making me ill. I developed fibromyalgia and other health problems caused from the stress of trying to be someone that I simply was not!
I Am
Please don’t get caught in this trap. God made you special and unique. He does not want you to change who you are – the essence of your being – for ANYONE! Be yourself!! You can’t have health without that. I am myself now, and, whatever consequences that brings, I can handle. I feel free, honest and whole…and I am very happy! I like myself!
There is always someone, somewhere, who won’t like you, no matter who you are or what you do. So what?! It is their loss. If you are true to yourself, you are doing alright!!
***Donna Martelli is a personal trainer, ballet instructor, and health coach. For more information about Donna’s services, please visit her web site.
Photo by Ritabraga
The Evaluation
How many of us have gazed into the mirror only to see ourselves at an earlier age, an age in which circumstances have left us in a drama of life that we were forever trying to forget; one that we thought we had buried, and yet time has brought forth the resurfacing of misdirected and scattered emotions – often those that have wounded and left us in a state of despair? Why is it we would choose to carry the burden of unpleasant memories rather than allowing them to be released with love and forgiveness, or at least understanding?
For most of us this is certainly an unconscious decision, for who of us would welcome or even permit disruption of this magnitude just to test our endurance? How and why do these wounds and emotions surface?
The Science Behind Emotions
Old research suggests that the seat of emotions stem from the heart, yet more recently the heart has become figurative. Attention is now directed to the right side of the brain; this division between the right and left side of the brain has taken on a new meaning. The left side has been denoted as analytical (the thinking, logical and conscious side), whereas the right side is the more creative (emotional, intuitive and where the sub-conscious lies).
It is a known fact that between birth and the first five to seven years of our life are the most critical. This is when we establish our interactive patterns with others or what we call our “scripts”. These scripts have set the stage in our lives as to how we will react to a given situation. We are repeatedly put to the test as to what positive or negative emotions we have adopted and to what programming we have chosen to accept on a subconscious level only to experience the scenario on a more open and accountable conscious level.
I’m Lost – Have You Seen Me?
The trauma that is buried often finds its way to the surface as an outward expression of negativity because our complex emotions have not been defined nor have they been liberated from our collective thoughts; we are bound to them with no understanding. As we interact with others our perception of what is right or wrong becomes our judgment of every action or re-action in our environment and we act accordingly. Sadly, what is often lost to us is the understanding of the true sense of our self, that which lies deep within or we might say the “Secret Person of the Heart”. Although this is who we truly are, the complexity of our being rarely allows for the unveiling of our protective self.
It’s All an Act
Many have experienced much hurt and pain throughout their lives and have kept all this pain buried. What is projected outwardly is only the personality. Very seldom do any of us walk up to another and say, “I am afraid; I have been hurt; please love me; show me compassion and acceptance; I have been wounded and need your love desperately.” Instead, we hide behind our fears, and if the personality is to an extreme it is often reflecting the opposite of the “secret” person.
When we come upon someone who is hateful, boisterous, and very aggressive we can usually assume that the person deep within is quite the opposite and is experiencing fear, hurt, and carrying more pain than we can imagine. We all have four basic needs that we’re constantly striving for: acceptance, attention, approval, and affection. We want someone to be close to, someone to confide in, someone to reveal ourselves to without the fear of being hurt — someone who will not shut the door on us.
The Three Ways to Interact
With different relationships and complexities among individuals, our inter-personalities will allow us to interact with others in three different ways. We can either move against someone (aggressive), with someone (assertive), or away from someone (passive). Now when two aggressive people come together, often the police will have to come and settle the matter if it gets out of hand; but if it’s an aggressive and passive relationship or encounter than you have one very boisterous and the other listening and moving out of their way constantly. Two very passive people make for a quiet time, they are normally content with just sitting there enjoying the moment.
So then we come to the question, “what is assertiveness”? This is where you move ‘with someone’. If another would ask you to do something for them, you may be in a position to do so, but at the same time, if you can’t accommodate their request you are able to decline with love, and it would sound somewhat like this: “I can not make myself available to do what you are asking of me, but I want you to know that I love you very much”.
Moving with someone is always a good place to be. Relationships grow from here and are very loving. When we lash out aggressively it feels as if we are against those around us or when we say nothing then we hold resentment within us, which eventually turns into anger. Saying our truth and revealing our heart permits us to honor ourselves and others around us.
True Emotional Freedom
By letting go of blame and judgment, force and control, forgiving the past, accepting responsibility and accountability for self, loving everyone including ourselves without putting conditions on that love, then we will gain balance, harmony and order in our lives; we will experience love to the highest degree. Our fear will dissipate, for love and fear are mutually exclusive. They cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Where there is love, fear cannot enter. When we begin to resonate with this, we can be sure without a doubt that we have finally found ‘our peace’.
***This is dedicated to the child within each and everyone of us. And with the most unconditional love and acceptance to my precious children, Tiffany and Brad Hawkins, whom I will forever be walking behind with admiration. May we always find our way together in this lifetime. I love you!
Dr. Terri Hawkins-Fox is a physician of Naturopathy and holds a PhD in Nutritional Science. Currently she owns and operates the Indianapolis wellness center Natural Rejuvenation. For more information on the health care services provided by Dr. Hawkins-Fox, please contact her for consultation and appointments.
Anger is like a destructive bacteria growing everywhere; you don’t see it coming until it’s too late. It’s in our homes, our workplaces, and every store we step foot into. You can’t go anywhere these days without hearing a mom yell at her kids or witness a disgruntled driver flip the bird to an old lady who accidentally pulled out in front of him. In fact, you may have even been that mom or driver. Whether we are the ones who are angry or the recipients of the heated emotion, we can all honestly say that nothing good usually comes of it.
Analyze Your Actions
Try, for just a moment, to remember the last time you got angry with someone. How did you communicate your feelings? How did they respond? Do you regret your actions? How could you have acted differently? These questions are simply to get you thinking about how this negative emotion can rule if you let it. Truth be told, we can always improve our communication with others.
The Opposite of Anger is Empathy
Because anger is a valid feeling, I am not saying don’t ever be angry. God knows that would not be possible for most. What I am saying, however, is be angry, just don’t do something you will regret later. Stop and think before you act; it just might save you a whole lot of heartache later. According to health and wellness gurus, Drs. Roizen and Oz, “the opposite of anger is empathy.” Empathy is defined as the intellectual identification with or vicariously experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. Though it’s difficult to imagine having empathy for someone who just hurt you in some way, Roizen and Oz strongly suggest that it’s just the key we need to overcome anger. “Doing the opposite of what you think you should do works in the area of anger and stress,” they said. “The cure to calming down is to take a moment and think about why that person may have done something to you.” What if that old lady who pulled out in front of you just lost her husband and was a little distracted as she drove to the funeral home.
Meditation: The Way to Peace
Think about that for a moment; if we could actually feel what someone else is experiencing, then maybe we wouldn’t act or react so hastily with anger. Truthfully, we don’t really know what is going on in the lives of those around us. Therefore, it’s not easy to know when our anger is truly justified. So if mind reading is not the norm for the masses then what do we do?
One key to balancing your emotions is keeping calm and focused throughout the day. Set aside a few moments each day to meditate. No, you don’t have to do the whole lotus position on the floor thing. Just sit alone somewhere quiet (if you can) and breathe deeply. Imagine with every inhale you are drawing in new, vibrant energy, and with every exhale, you are ridding yourself of harmful emotions and toxins. Think about a place that naturally brings peace to mind, a stream slowly cascading over a waterfall, seagulls flying over the beach, a vast forest of pine trees. Nature scenes work for me; you may have a completely different idea of peace and tranquility.
Most of us are not prepared for daily conflict when it shows its ugly head. That is why we often lash out or treat others with disrespect. Consider meditation as preventative therapy. The spiritual benefits to quiet time go a long way in keeping you connected to your feelings. Also, make an effort to get some form of exercise. A brisk walk does wonders for stress relief and a cluttered mind.
Get a Clue About Your Anger
Listening to what people are saying is a good way to get a clue about how you are treating others. My children said, “stop yelling at me” all the time. My response would be “I’m not yelling at you.” After months of this, I finally decided to listen to myself when I spoke to the children. To my surprise, I had been speaking to them in a much louder and firmer voice than I thought I was. I deducted that it was my way of asserting authority. Well, interestingly enough, when I stopped yelling (talking loud and firm) they started responding with much more respect and kindness.
Help Is Out There
If you find it difficult to stop a negative cycle of anger, you may need to seek professional guidance to get started. Anger management programs take you through a series of exercises and therapies that enable you to recognize your triggers and deep-set issues. Of course, not everyone needs this type of help; most will make improvement by simply changing a few bad habits. Try these simple steps for anger management:
- Get enough rest; when you are tired you are much more likely to react with anger.
- Get at least 20 minutes of exercise three times a week.
- Set aside a few minutes a day to meditate.
- Analyze how you react in different situations.
- Be honest with yourself about your emotions.
- Before responding to someone, take a moment to reflect on why they might have acted the way they did.
- Don’t assume that someone is out to get you. There may be a logical explanation for their actions.
- Talk openly about your feelings before they simmer too long. Bottling up anger leads to much worse problems in the long run.
- Remember, any improvement is good. Praise yourself for the victories!
Seek professional help if you your anger is out of control; hurting others and yourself is not acceptable. You might be depressed or experiencing some form of chemical imbalance that is causing heightened emotions. A doctor’s advice is crucial in these cases. Whatsgoodaboutanger.com is a great resource for anyone who needs support in ending anger management problems. Also, if you are a victim of domestic violence, please tell someone before it’s too late. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
Resource: Health for Women magazine, issue #4
Photo by Live Animal Cams
Crisis: A Catalyst for Change
Believe it or not, there’s nothing that says let’s make some changes like getting kicked in the face or being thrown down to the mattress with a month long bout of pneumonia. The fact is, pain and adversity have long been keys to some of the greatest triumphs in history…my life has been no exception. Actually, I didn’t always see things in such a positive manner. I used to curl up in the fetal position and cry like a baby if I couldn’t pay my phone bill. But after years of being in much deeper crises, I’ve learned a different way of thinking that has changed my life.
Unexpected Trauma
Immediately following the recent birth of my sixth child, I stared into the concerned eyes of my obstetrician as I asked, “Is everything okay?” She replied, “No, we have to get this bleeding stopped. During a hard, Pitocin induced labor; I had not received any pain medicine because of the rapid progress I always make after five centimeters dilation. Suddenly, the nurse practically jumped on my abdomen with brutal force trying to convince my uterus to clamp down. I have had pain in my life, but nothing had compared to what came next. My sweet, precious doctor proceeded to plunge her gloved hand into my traumatized vagina in order to remove blood clots and massage my organs from the inside. I had never heard of such a procedure, let alone actually think that I would be a victim of it.
Fueled By Adrenaline
My mind raced from wanting to know how my newborn daughter was doing to the horrible reality that was unfolding with my body. I had never had any complications with my previous five labors, so the event was new ground and a test that challenged my doctor and me. After several minutes of the excruciating invasion, the bleeding stopped and the prodding was reduced to the outside massage every ten minutes or so. I could finally calm my shocked body and focus on the precious gift that made every bit of the pain worthwhile.
I’m sure this account was pretty gross for even some of you experienced moms, and definitely for you young women who have never even seen the inside of a delivery room or spoken to an OB. Sharing this story seemed to make a strong point for today’s topic. Sometimes we have to go through things that hurt a lot in order to heal or to be better. I hope you can see the correlation. I could have died if my Obstetrician had not done what she did. At the least, I could have lost my uterus to an emergency hysterectomy. I had a new appreciation for my life, motherhood, and my female body parts. It was a change that needed to happen.
Realize the Value of a Bad Time
It’s true that in my emergency, I had no choice but to lie there and take what was happening to me. I could not have jumped off that table if I had wanted to. There are those times when we are faced with irrevocable events that come at us like freight trains; and, guess what? We’re stuck on the track. It is in those unforeseen experiences that we are faced with life’s most challenging moments. When they are over, we can often see the good that wriggles out from under the mess.
Change When You Choose To
The other form of adversity that can be healing is the kind that we choose to undergo. We often tiptoe around this 
form of self-sacrificing, painful option for years. Either one has an epiphany that provokes the life-altering event or they are forced into change by the freight train from the above paragraph. A good example would be the chronic smoker who knows that every puff they take is bringing them one step closer to a terminal disease and even death. Even though they know the horrible outcome of their choice will be bad, they choose to avoid the temporary pain of nicotine withdrawal. Truthfully, the inconvenience of a week of physical discomfort would be a piece of cake compared to vomiting for days after chemotherapy treatments, watching your body rot from the burning radiation, and the emotional pain of saying goodbye to your loved ones because you avoided change. I watched my mother do just that…it was the saddest thing I had ever seen.
Using Wisdom
Ladies, myself included, it’s time to make some changes. Some of them will be hard to accomplish without going through some stuff. Adversity is a part of life, and you might as well choose to see it as an opportunity to grow and heal. I’m not saying that you should go out and torture yourselves with things that you are not ready to face or change; but I am saying, just think about the difficulties that you have gone through. Try to see the positive that came of those events. Also, be open to pushing yourself a little more when it comes to making choices that involve complexity. Be strong and stand up to the addictions and poor life situations that are only hurting you.
I would like to hear about some of your most difficult events and life changes. Please post your comments or feel free to send me a personal message. Don’t forget to find something to smile about today.