How many of us have gazed into the mirror only to see ourselves at an earlier age, an age in which circumstances have left us in a drama of life that we were forever trying to forget; one that we thought we had buried, and yet time has brought forth the resurfacing of misdirected and scattered emotions – often those that have wounded and left us in a state of despair? Why is it we would choose to carry the burden of unpleasant memories rather than allowing them to be released with love and forgiveness, or at least understanding?
For most of us this is certainly an unconscious decision, for who of us would welcome or even permit disruption of this magnitude just to test our endurance? How and why do these wounds and emotions surface?
The Science Behind Emotions
Old research suggests that the seat of emotions stem from the heart, yet more recently the heart has become figurative. Attention is now directed to the right side of the brain; this division between the right and left side of the brain has taken on a new meaning. The left side has been denoted as analytical (the thinking, logical and conscious side), whereas the right side is the more creative (emotional, intuitive and where the sub-conscious lies).
It is a known fact that between birth and the first five to seven years of our life are the most critical. This is when we establish our interactive patterns with others or what we call our “scripts”. These scripts have set the stage in our lives as to how we will react to a given situation. We are repeatedly put to the test as to what positive or negative emotions we have adopted and to what programming we have chosen to accept on a subconscious level only to experience the scenario on a more open and accountable conscious level.
I’m Lost – Have You Seen Me?
The trauma that is buried often finds its way to the surface as an outward expression of negativity because our complex emotions have not been defined nor have they been liberated from our collective thoughts; we are bound to them with no understanding. As we interact with others our perception of what is right or wrong becomes our judgment of every action or re-action in our environment and we act accordingly. Sadly, what is often lost to us is the understanding of the true sense of our self, that which lies deep within or we might say the “Secret Person of the Heart”. Although this is who we truly are, the complexity of our being rarely allows for the unveiling of our protective self.
It’s All an Act
Many have experienced much hurt and pain throughout their lives and have kept all this pain buried. What is projected outwardly is only the personality. Very seldom do any of us walk up to another and say, “I am afraid; I have been hurt; please love me; show me compassion and acceptance; I have been wounded and need your love desperately.” Instead, we hide behind our fears, and if the personality is to an extreme it is often reflecting the opposite of the “secret” person.
When we come upon someone who is hateful, boisterous, and very aggressive we can usually assume that the person deep within is quite the opposite and is experiencing fear, hurt, and carrying more pain than we can imagine. We all have four basic needs that we’re constantly striving for: acceptance, attention, approval, and affection. We want someone to be close to, someone to confide in, someone to reveal ourselves to without the fear of being hurt — someone who will not shut the door on us.
The Three Ways to Interact
With different relationships and complexities among individuals, our inter-personalities will allow us to interact with others in three different ways. We can either move against someone (aggressive), with someone (assertive), or away from someone (passive). Now when two aggressive people come together, often the police will have to come and settle the matter if it gets out of hand; but if it’s an aggressive and passive relationship or encounter than you have one very boisterous and the other listening and moving out of their way constantly. Two very passive people make for a quiet time, they are normally content with just sitting there enjoying the moment.
So then we come to the question, “what is assertiveness”? This is where you move ‘with someone’. If another would ask you to do something for them, you may be in a position to do so, but at the same time, if you can’t accommodate their request you are able to decline with love, and it would sound somewhat like this: “I can not make myself available to do what you are asking of me, but I want you to know that I love you very much”.
Moving with someone is always a good place to be. Relationships grow from here and are very loving. When we lash out aggressively it feels as if we are against those around us or when we say nothing then we hold resentment within us, which eventually turns into anger. Saying our truth and revealing our heart permits us to honor ourselves and othersaround us.
True Emotional Freedom
By letting go of blame and judgment, force and control, forgiving the past, accepting responsibility and accountability for self, loving everyone including ourselves without putting conditions on that love, then we will gain balance, harmony and order in our lives; we will experience love to the highest degree. Our fear will dissipate, for love and fear are mutually exclusive. They cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Where there is love, fear cannot enter. When we begin to resonate with this, we can be sure without a doubt that we have finally found ‘our peace’.
***This is dedicated to the child within each and everyone of us. And with the most unconditional love and acceptance to my precious children, Tiffany and Brad Hawkins, whom I will forever be walking behind with admiration. May we always find our way together in this lifetime. I love you!
Dr. Terri Hawkins-Fox is a physician of Naturopathy and holds a PhD in Nutritional Science. Currently she owns and operates the Indianapolis wellness center Natural Rejuvenation. For more information on the health care services provided by Dr. Hawkins-Fox, please contact her for consultation and appointments.