As I was looking through some old writing of mine, I came across a free-writing I did back in 1989 when I was age 24. I recognized immediately my deep thinking and constant analysis of life – Why? Where? How? When? In other words, I’ve always been a philosopher at heart – one who wants to know everything and how it all fits together. Interestingly, at this time in my life, I had little or no exposure to any religion or views on consciousness or enlightenment, yet, I showed signs of my soul understanding that we create our future and that I should not give up. The following is that free writing as I wrote it 23 years ago.
Into the Night 5-30-1989
I can’t stop thinking. Answers only create more questions. The scales of my mind torment me to weigh each and every thought. Seemingly, my life passes without having any bearing on things that cross in front of me. I know I make my future and opportunities to be decided upon. Therefore, too many things get thrown into my world by stray thoughts.
It’s been too long since I really knew what was important to me. I count my blessings, but something is still missing. I can’t seem to cry enough for the past, present, and future. I’m not a sad person, just unsure. I should be happier.
It’s so crazy believing that someday I will look back and laugh at life’s hesitations. There is so much inside of me that has yet to surface. I think I was meant to have these dilemmas. I have an uncanny knack for figuring out where I stand and how to set things right. Truth is expressed in my writing. Mere willingness and perseverance to work hard at life is also seen daily. It marks my spirit with wisdom and strength. Where does this come from?
I can’t tell myself enough how much I long to succeed at life. Somehow, I know I will.
The Here and Now
I loved reading this long ago account of some pressing questions. Which leads me to the point that some things change and some don’t. I’m still that gal who questions everything about myself…just ask my therapist! Recently, I was able to overcome a fear I had to create self videos (see below). After reading the above, I realized that I still have these types of “life hesitations” like the ones I confessed to in 1989.
I see myself in that hand-written (sloppily, I might add) late night journal. I also see a scared young woman, who had not yet discovered her purpose, although, she knew she had one. (“There is so much inside of me that has yet to surface.”) I also see how determined she was to succeed. I’m still trying. I’m still willing. I still persevere. I still have an “uncanny knack for knowing where I stand and how to make things right.”
The things that have changed are so apparent to me now. I do know my purpose now. And, I do know where my drive comes from. That thing that I felt was “missing” is no longer elusive. I found my spiritual precedence and inspiration. This is why I tell clients and all of you to write down your dreams, goals, and daily thoughts. Twenty, thirty years from now you will look back and see your direction and how far you’ve come down that path. You will discover that some things change, and some don’t. And, I can now laugh at myself and life’s hesitations…
I now want to present to you my very first self-video as a part of A New You In 31 Day Challenge. I dedicate it to you, my readers, who have stuck with me for five years…even without me sharing myself on video. Thanks! I hope you enjoy it!